Posted by: tumy | 2012/11/21

my husband is a serial cheater

dear Doc
My husband and i have been together for 8 years. he at lest has an affair every 6 months(( i am only counting the times i have caught him).He subscribes to this dating sites and initially he used to have this online affairs. . i have often caught him bcos of sms that he will be sending or via emails/chats , facebook etc. we fight about this and have forgiven him numerous times.The last affair he which is 4 months ago, we almost divorced and promised to remedy his ways.he argues that this are online affair and do not count as affairs. i just discovered that he is chatting to another woman yesterday and again . my problem is that he does not seem to appreciate the hurt and pain he is causing me and he apologises to get out of trouble not out of understanding that he causes me pain. is this my own doing?is it bcos i forgave him so many times that he takes me for granted. i have done awhole lot of othr things that may make him take me for granted e.g the bulk of our living expenses are paid by me, i financially support his mother and his siblings at times .is this due to my own stupidity? i am worried about my kids as i am sitting here contemplating divorce. the pain is just unbeareable

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Our expert says:
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OK> He's a lousy excuse for a husband, showing no respect for you, himself, or his other women. But he keeps doing this because he finds it fun and you allow him to get away with it.
How can you still believe his empty promises when each previous set of promises have turned out to be lies ? And he doesn't get to assess what "counts" as an affair - any emotional or flirtatious relationship with any woman other than you, is an affair.
STOP FORGIVING HIM ! Its not compulsory, but many a good person would forgive someone once for making a relationship mistake. But beyond that, each "forgiving" is an encouragement and a form of applause.
STOP paying the expenses, and STOP supporting his mom or any other family member - that is his responsibility, and if he took it seriously he'd have less time and money to waste on affairs.
It is damaging for kids to be exposed at length to someone who behaves as scornfully as he does, and they are much less damaged by a properly managed divorce. You are allowing him to teach them this his is a fine way to behave. It isn't. Consult a good lawyer and protect yourself and the kids.
As Liza implies, spend the money you waste on him and his family on seeing a counsellor to heal your self-respect and self-confidence.

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Our users say:
Posted by: married women | 2012/11/28

U need to pack ur bags and leave that men ,he is not good for u.He disprespects u and he thinks u cannot go anywhere.He will never stop cheating once a cheat aways a cheat.

Reply to married women
Posted by: meagan | 2012/11/22

He''s only cheating because he knows you wont do anything about it. its a bit too late now to try and discipline him because you let it happen for a very long time. In a way you have been encouraging him to cheat on you by not reacting

Reply to meagan
Posted by: Just saying | 2012/11/22

I am a firm believer that people treat us the way we allow them to. I''m sorry to say, but he treats you the way he does, because you allow it. You do not deserve to be treated in this manner. See a therapist who will help you build your self esteem, and then move out and move on with your life with someone who deserves you.

Good luck

Reply to Just saying
Posted by: XXX | 2012/11/22

As tough as it is,DUMP this fool.How can you allow this idiot to have so many affairs and then still stay with him.Besides anything else,what about the diseases that you can pick up from him.
By moving on your entire well being and self esteem will improve,it might be hard at first but please get rid of this loser.
I wish you all of the very best

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Liza | 2012/11/22

Go see a psychologist so that you can rebuild your self-esteem and dump this undeserving bum who is DEFINITELY only using you.

He is NOT going to change. You''ve given him too many chances already. And as for the kids - their view of life is going to be VERY warped if you stay. They''re going to learn that it''s okay to cheat on your partner as long as you give an insincere apology afterwards (if they haven''t learned this already!). Do you want your children to cheat on their spouses OR to just accept it when their spouses cheat on them?

Don''t allow this to continue. Our society has so little morals and values left....

Good Luck,

Reply to Liza
Posted by: qwerty | 2012/11/22

He does it because he gets away with it. And he has now learned that all he needs to do is apologize and ride out the short-lived unpleasantness and things will go back to normal again. Much like a child who learns that he can get away with certain behaviours because there are no real consequences.

That said - you shouldn''t have to discipline a husband. He should be mature and committed enough to not stray outside the relationship for kicks.

There needs to be a serious decision here - either he makes a serious change and sticks to it, or you leave. There''s an awful lot of benefit to him in this relationship, but I''m not seeing what (if anything) you are gaining by staying with this man.

Reply to qwerty

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