Posted by: Seh | 2004/01/15

Manipulative (ex) boyfriends effects after breaking up PLS HELP

Hi there,
I recently broke up with Bob* who I have been seeing for the past 3 years and during these three years he has lied and manipulated me as well as everyone around him. I have supported him financially while running myself into debt. I ran my dad into debt and destroyed all my friendship as well as family relations because of this relationship. He emotionally broke me down and took away all self confidence etc. I know I should never have allowed him to but we get so sucked into everything that is going on in this relationship. He has cheate don me numerous times and I probably dont even know half of it! I really feel so lost and betrayed and so angry I dont really know how to deal with all these feelings, I also feel guilty but I have no idea what for. How should I cope with everything going on around me?

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Our expert says:
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Dear Seh.
Nice people often feel guilty for the awful things someone else did --- a sad fact, and unhelpful, as it doesn't only feel bad, but it helps to encourage the bad guys to avoid feeling appropriately guilty for the bad things they chose to do.
Face the facts that he was a loser who was prepared to drag you down with him, and that you have been truly lucky to escape from him and to have the opportunity to get on with a happier life, free from being dragged down by this loser. Don't waste time or enegery feeling sorry for him --- his type spend more than enough time feeling sory for themselves, and not enopugh time putting right the things they have damaged.
Your feelings are appropriate and normal, though uncomfortable ---anger is natural in such a situation. Concentrate, with the help of a counsellor or a good friend or family member, on learning the best lessons from this bad experience, so as to be better able to avoid this sort of thing in future, express your anger ( in private ) and get on with the much happier and freer life you deserve, leaving him behind, where he deserves to be.

Wings and the others have made wise comments, as usual, and worth thinking over.

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Our users say:
Posted by: ~Wings~ | 2004/01/15

Dear Seh

Wow, if only we could all sit down and compare notes on all the guys that have ever let us down, or more importantly how much we had deceived ourselves, you would surely feel better.
While you are sitting mulling over your feelings, truth is he's never going to have an honest relationship with anyone cause he cannot keep an honest relationship with himself.
See Seh, sometimes we confuse love with pity and yes it's going to hurt now but luckily we only have one or two of these devastating relationships in our lives and as time goes on we become stronger and learn to put our foot down earlier on in the relationship if we don't like what we see.

I wish you all the best and know that you have a great future ahead, this is the time when you take responsibility for your part, forgive him and yourself (cause I can hear you are beating yourself up badly) and as J said move on. Take your friends by their hands, draw comfort from their support and do all the things you never could do with this ex of yours. You need to be true to yourself before you start saving those with all their issues.
I promise that as each day goes by you will be more confident, happy and satisfied with life, and when everything seems too overwhelming when you look at the long term, just remember to live for now - one day at a time.

Best wishes!

Reply to ~Wings~
Posted by: joy | 2004/01/15

I was in the same relationship, it actually sounds as if we were dating the same person. I know how hard it is, believe me i spent ( & still am) trying to get over him...theres nothing u can do but move on my sister...the world is full of people who appreciate us...he'll get his reward & by then you'll be way over him. The problem is that you can't believe /refuse to believe the worst about him, but the sooner you do, the better it will be for you, try & be strong & know that you are worth it & are capable of making that special man happy.

Reply to joy
Posted by: J | 2004/01/15

Just be glad that you have made the move to break of the relationship, learn from your mistakes and most importantly accept that it was a mistake - dont romantasize it later on - and move on to a happier place. You should have learnt by now that no person is worth giving everything to unless it is in a truly trusting, loving and worthy relationship.

Good on you for being strong enough to move move on.

Reply to J

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