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Question
Posted by: Anon for this | 2008/03/13

Functional druggy ?

My fiancé had been doing drugs for a long time of her life. Not knowing drugs myself it took me some time to analyse her behaviour and get to the point where I could definitely tell her I don’t know what it is, but you are on something. She admitted to using drugs occasionally . Subsequently she stopped using it or so she says, but at times all the signs are there that she still uses it, be it less, but she still does drugs. Things will go well for some time and then she slides back. I have a sympathetic attitude towards this and support her in her fight. If it is so difficult to just give up smoking I can just imagine how she must suffer. Thing is I am getting a bit fed up with all of this now.

Way back she had been to rehab apparently, but this obviously did not completely help. I’m between two fires. She is the most placid person I know. Even when she’s not using drugs. She’s a wonderful mother, great lover, intelligent and neat on herself and extremely artistic. It just does not mirror what I always had in my mind about druggies, but she calls herself a functional druggy. The other side is that she can become very ‘slow’, ‘disconnected’, ‘mellow’ and lethargic when she’s on drugs.

Another thing is that because of the fact that we do not stay together I do not know what she gets up to. By this I do not mean being unfaithful and the likes. After work she’s always home with the kids. I just do not know how much and often she uses the stuff. One thing I do know for certain is that in the long run the effect of drugs catches up with one and even if she then is able to stop I may very well have a wife that has changed to someone completely different to the woman I so dearly love now. Ag, there are lots of problems associated with all of this. I catch myself thinking that I in a way support her habit by buying things to keep her household going hence ‘loosening up’ money on her side to support her habit. Indirectly I’m paying for the drugs and that cheeses me off terribly. Just before writing here I spoke to her on the phone and I can feel with a stick that she’s used something. Just the way she sounds so detached is a dead give-away. She’s like a bloody chemist. By this afternoon when I go by her place she would have taken something else to come off the effect of what she’s now used and only us who know her well will be able to tell something is not perfectly OK. What should I do ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its nice of you to "support her in the fight", but its not at all clear, from your story, whether shr id sctuslly fighting against the drug abuse at all. If she was serious about this she'd be in a program, with a support group and a therapist / counsellor. And its true that by helping her to afford the usual things in life, you may indeed be freeing up some money for her to spend on drugs --- they don't come cheap.
You are describing a dedicated drug abuser, who may well be using you as a facilitator of her habit, and, so long as she is not in active rehab, is not serious about coming off the drugs. Be VERY wary about marrying anyone like that until they are in a continuing program, and have been totally clear of all drugs for at least a year or two

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