Posted by: Me again | 2020/07/10

Time to accept it's over?

Hi CS It's been a few years since I have sought your advice. It regards my fiance of 12 yrs where I used to be given the silent treatment, threats to leave, name calling, problems with my friends and family etc. Your advice was always to end the relationship which I never did. I've seen a phycologist and had CBT therapy as it always felt like I was the mess up. He moved back to the UK 4 yrs ago but we kept the relationship going long distance and saw each other once or twice a year. He moved back here 6 mths ago and although I struggled the first few months to adjust to not being alone again it was going ok. I do think my attitude was a bit different towards him though and perhaps I was still bitter about past things. He did pick up on that and said I had changed. One night we were loading a game onto his pc and google popped up to show me one of his favourite sites visited was 'dating online in the UK'. I kept quiet thinking well he has moved back to be with me so I will let it go. But I think it did affect my attitude towards him. The other night my sinuses where blocked and I kept him awake snoring. I have had sinus problems before and because the snoring keeps him awake I went to GP,ENT, did nasal cleansing, meds etc to correct. All of the meds do help and I haven't snored in weeks and weeks but obviously this night they blocked up again. He woke me up constantly. I eventually replied 'well what must I do about my snoring' - having tried everything. He slept in the spare room and next morning told me I am a 'horrible b*stard' and says he wants out of the relationship. I brought up the dating site and he said it was a long time ago and then he said if I think that of him then I am better off without him. BTW he lives with me rent-free, gets wifi free etc - only pays for his food and personal items so all in all not a bad deal for him. He is making arrangements to go back to UK again and I am feeling like this is my fault again and perhaps my 'attitude' is driving him away again.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2020/07/14

Hello again, Me Again !
I've just received your message.
I'm so sorry to hear that despite sensibly embarking on CBT and beginning to free yourself from the burden of this monumentally selfish man ; you then invited him back in, to live free with you and suck the joy from your life. When he threatens to leave, rush to accept his offer, and ask him when he will be leaving.  In all your communications over the years you have never been able to describe convincingly anything good that he has ever contributed to your life. 
I hope with the CBT you have stopped blaming yourself for what he does, and start looking after your own needs, not his. It is NOT your fault that he is leaving. To some extent it's your fault that he came back, not out of love  for you, but to meet his own needs. Who wouldn't want to live rent-free with a warm and caring woman in Cape Town ? Don't waste a moment longer hanging onto him, blaming yourself, and wasting money, energy and caring on someone who has never deserved you, and seemingly never will.  
Offer to help him pack and move out ; tell him you find it awful to  think of him having to bear your dreadful snoring any more, and as you yourself can't move out, it's very clear he needs to.
And remember : he didn't come back from the UK out of profound love for you : you'd have noticed that ; presumably he returned because whatever grand plane he had made, he achieved nothing at all in the UK, including failing to find anyone a nice as you and as gullible as you, despite using dating apps and probably other ways of hunting for another victim for his selfishness.   None of that is any of your responsibility : let him go. It'd be tempting to hire a small brass band to play outside in celebration when he leaves, but that'd probably be overdoing it a bit, and too expensive, and hard to arrange during these Times of the Virus. 
Set yourself free : and remain free.  Once he leaves, do not allow him back in again. Maybe check with a lawyer about whether you can get a restraining order from a court, banning him from contacting you in any way from here on.   Concentrate purely on your own happiness and your own life, and for that you don't need a resident emotional vampire.

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