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Question
Posted by: anon | 2019/07/22

Not sure what to do

I was married for 12 years. Divorced last year 2018. Me and my ex husband have 3 kids together. The reason I asked for a divorce is after 12 years of marriage you get tired of being blamed for things you never did. To me he was a narcissist. He had hit me and I had a blue eye in 2009. In 2013 he had me locked up.... So since being divorced I have not met anyone. Not sure if i am too scared to commit again, or if I am worried that me and the ex wont get along well anymore. He has also not met anyone new. We do sometimes do things together like have lunch or supper together with our kids. Go on outings with the kids and some times even sleep together. We still joke and send each other funny WhatsApp messages and so forth just like when we were married. My question is .... should we still be doing theses things? The thought of him being with another woman kills me inside..... even though I had asked for a divorce.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/07/23

Anon, I'm bothered that you ask whether you SHOULD be doing this or that.  This suggests that you might be asking permission ; maybe the question is more : is this a wise thing to do ?  It also sounds as though both of you are ambivalent about the divorce, and still fond of each other.  It's excellent that you are both being friendly in relation to your children. Far too often, divorcees use their children as weapons against each other, which is harmful and unfair.
It sounds as though you may not have paused before legally proceeding through a divorce,  to explore the value of marriage counseling. It isn't a form of relationship glue, but it enables you to explore whether the problems distressing you are actually soluble, and if not, to at least part peacefully, and having learned from your problems, how to try to avoid them arising in future relationships. 
It might still be worth, if you both feel open to the idea, some couples counselling even at this stage, for these potential benefits ; and again, at least to be able to satisfy yourselves that you will both be best suited by and able to thrive, after the separation.
Also, you need to rediscover your own sense of worth : you are a good and worthwhile person in yourself, and not because of being in a relationship with anyone.  You sound a bit anxious about not being in a new relationship yet ; don't be in too much of a hurry. Many people take much longer to find a good relationship after divorce, and some find they're happy and content on their own.

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