Posted by: Sandra | 2019/11/20

New boyfriend a dominant in bed

Hi Dr., I just started a new relationship. The first times we met he was very shy and we took things slow. Then he my hand and gave me a kiss that seemed innocent. Everything made me feel like he was quite traditional. Then last Saturday I invited him to my place. I went to the bathroom and when I came back, he immediately got me and started unbuttoning my pants. This without a kiss, hug or anything. I let him because I thought something romantic would follow. Instead he went straight for sex, without any passion or foreplay. I’ve been in long relationships before and passion is a big thing for me. My sex life has always been very erotic and passionate, which is something I value very much. With this partner there is nothing of that. He tells me he cares about me more than he anticipated and I can see it’s true. But he’s clearly not experienced and has watched too much porn. He says he wants to ejaculate in my mouth and face, and likes to play with the idea that I’m his now, and his alone. When asked why he wouldn’t kiss, he says he likes kissing outside of sex only but doesn’t like to mix the two. We probably kissed for a total of 10 seconds since we met and I’m starved for a real passionate kiss that now I think will never come. He had problems expressing affection as well and is very structured and likes to plan things that should be spontaneous. Should I be concerned or should I assume once he gains more experience, he will see passionate sex is much better than the porn-style he seems to prefer now? He doesn’t even seem to be enjoying himself that much now and is very self-conscious. He initially told me he didn’t want anything serious and that he had never been in love before but now he’s afraid he will fall in love and says he misses me already. I obviously don’t want to gain his trust only to break his heart. I like him but the sex part isn’t what I’m looking for. Should I give this a try and hope for the best?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSex expert
- 2019/12/10

Hello. Apologies for my the delay in answering your question. The message alert system clearly is not working!

No, don't wait to let him know how you feel. Start as you mean to go on. Patterns and habits can be set up and those can be more difficult to change later on. 

Unfortunately with the rise of porn consumption/viewing, many men (and some women) have pornified sex. This can work on occasion for some couples, but as the idea of sex and what it should feel like is based on something which is either not real or somebody else's version of sexual interactions, measuring your sex life (and your partner's), wants and deepest desires only on what has been viewed, can be problematic. No less, because most mainstream porn is predominantly created for the cisgender hetero normative male gaze. It lacks intimacy, women are objectified and it can be misogynistic.  

So you need to negotiate a little give and take. Some of what you want and some of what he wants and then finding a way to explore and have sexual adventures together. 

His shyness may be inhibiting for him so you may sometimes have to be bolder and lead the way. The more you trust each other, the more inclined you will be to experiment and work out what feels right for you as a couple. 

Of course, it may be a lot deeper than this, and you may need couple counselling or to lave the relationship. Good luck!

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