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Question
Posted by: Anonymous | 2020/01/25

Marriage failing

So me and my wife have been married going on 3 years now. We have a child together that is 1 year and 2 months. We are happy together most times. Recently for the past year I was told that I've change since marriage. That I am short tempered or I lash out to quick etc. So much so that I feel my wife is starting to regret getting married to me. Everytime we have a argument or a difference in opinion then she is quick to have her say and her say is right but when I go in defence mode then the things that come out her mouth(she's a very honest straight forward person) hurt me and I go into defence mode that I started becoming a arse. I feel I have to step on egg shells around her so that arguments don't arise because if they do then due to me taking an offence quick, arguments get worse and I don't like fighting or arguing. She said to me last night that maybe we should seperate because it's like she is seems erritated by me and me on her and maybe we need a break from each other. She doesn't believe in marriage counseling though I do and I wish I could just find a solution where I can be the soft person that just keeps the piece like I use to be in the beginning of our relationship. And the soft caring person. I love her so much and our child and a seperation will kill me emotionally. Please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2020/01/29

Hello Anonymous,
It's always troubling when what has been a loving relationship becomes difficult and causes distress to both partners. From your description, it really does sound as though marriage counselling would be an excellent idea, with a good chance of helping both of you to sort out these issues, and to benefit both of you, and, very importantly, your child.
It's always sad when I hear of someone who "doesn't believe in counselling", or therapy, or drugs, because they are saying that they don't care about facts, or science, or whether what's suggested would actually be helpful. It's like a political prejudice, like someone saying they refuse to believe anything said by someone of the wrong political party.  It's saying " I've made up my mind, don't bother me with the truth".
And yet, it sounds as though she DOES believe that separation / "a break" somehow IS likely to be helpful, though there's really no good evidence for that.  This tactic is like saying :"I have this terrible pain in my chest : I don't believe in doctors, but I'm sure it'll get better if I go away on holiday."  Life doesn't work like that : problems ignored only get worse, not better.
Is there someone else she might listen to, like parents or sibs ? Would she be prepared to agree provisionally : to sincerely take part for say 6 months, really trying to let it work, and see if things improve ?  Have you told her clearly how you feel ? Not challenging her own point of view, but explaining your own : how much you love her and the child ; how much it distresses you that somehow the pair of you are not communicating effectively, though once you did ; how you'd like to learn to control your anger better, to listen better to her opinions, and to handle it better when her comments make you feel hurt and unsure of how to defend your own viewpoint without upsetting her ?

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