Our expert says:
Hello Anon, Moving past the specific details and looking at the basic pattern behind it, you seem to be describing either a basically obsessive-compulsive personality amplified by a degree of depression, or even an OCD ( Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, similarly amplified. Fortunately both respond to both anti-depressive medications and/or CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) a specific method of counselling / therapy backed by good research.
OCD and its personality disordered equivalent is a condition in which one lacks the essential sense of Enoughness ! One's sense of proportion is distorted so that one becomes excessively pre-occupied with some little relevant aspects of the situation which seem profoundly important, overlooking some really important aspects which seem less so.
It sounds as though you have found yourself far more disturbed than you expected by a change in your routine, caused by the Virus and lockdown. You had set up a system which suited and comforted you, including the whole business of going to the Gym. As you have discovered, while the degree of focused exercise was indeed useful and healthy, that was not the part of the enterprise that really made you feel good.
It included the Chlorine smell, the pleasingly limited friendships, enough to be welcome, but limited by the situation from becoming too close or demanding ; and it included a set of almost ritual exercises that occupied you enough to distract you from whatever else might be upsetting you, dissolved in the neutral routines. Somewhere where you belonged, without itself being emotionally demanding. Working out on your own, at home, just isn't doing it for you.
Of course you are indeed "better than this", and can sort this out. I'd think seeing a CBT-competent psychologist could help a lot ; and some antidepressants might also help to reduce the steam behind the obsessive engine driving your distress.
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