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- Relationship expert Paula Quinsee says good families are like having a source of nurturing, safety and belonging, giving us a sense of identity.
- However, not all family relationships are healthy.
- People often choose to cut ties and distance themselves when there is a history of toxicity and emotionally unstable environments.
- Paula says being more conscious about how you show up and impact everyone around you builds healthier relationships and family dynamics.
Knowing you have a family you can count on is one of the greatest gifts one could ever ask for, people whose presence and support are there no matter what you go through. However, not all people can say good things about their families. Some would rather stay as far away as possible.
Relationship expert Paula Quinsee says having a source of nurturing, safety, and belonging gives us a sense of identity, adding that not having the best relationship dynamics in families impacts how we interact.
"When it comes to family, one thing that often crops up is to respect boundaries and manage expectations which often causes conflict and can result in long-standing family feuds," she says.
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According to Paula, there are things that make family relationships work. "Irrespective of whether it is a personal or professional relationship, the core principles are the same for both: respect, trust, honesty, communication and resolving conflict."
Bringing value to a family isn't only about money. There are aunts and uncles whose presence is invaluable. Their wisdom as the elders of the family is needed. But we don't always think about the roles we need to play in our families. "We just take on the roles assigned to us by family traditions /hierarchy and society without consciously thinking about what it means to be a grandparent, sister, uncle, what that entails and the responsibilities that come with it," she says.
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Paula says being more conscious about how you show up and impact everyone around you builds healthier relationships and family dynamics. Things change when good intentions are set.
Here is how to be intentional in your family relationships:
- Firstly, reflect on what your role means to you as an individual (e.g., an aunt).
- Some of your contributing factors will come from your own experiences of your relatives growing up. What did you like / not like about them or their behaviour?
- For instance, ask yourself what kind of aunt you want to be for your family relationships, what impact you want to have, and how you want people to remember you (the aunt everyone loves or the one everyone tries to avoid).
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Some family members have given up on making things right because of the previous dynamics, problems, and fights.
"When there is a history of toxicity and emotionally unstable environments or where there is lots of drama, people often choose to cut ties and distance themselves or stay away from family. Family should be a safe refuge for us all, and it's where we tend to go when we seek support, or to celebrate our achievements and milestones. But if that space doesn't provide that support structure, we will seek it elsewhere, such as our friends, partner, work environment etc."
Paula Quinsee is the Founder of Engaged Humans, facilitating connection between men, women and couples. She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy Educator and Facilitator, NLP Practitioner, PDA Analyst, Coach and Trainer. Paula is also the author of 2 self-help guides: Embracing Conflict and Embracing No.
