A divorce
or breakup has the ability to catapult us into unexplored, and frightening,
physical and mental territory. The process can also turn once solid daily
responsibilities and schedules, relationships
with friends and family, and even identities into a mish-mash of blurred
images.
There is great uncertainty about the
future, and you ask yourself questions such as: Was it my fault? How will my
life be without him or her? Am I able to find someone else? Does this mean I am
destined to be alone forever?
These questions also run a racket with your
mental state and leave you trapped in a listless slump.
As you wallow in self-pity, you may even be
asking yourself how long it takes to get over a breakup or divorce.
It
takes time, but not that long
We have it on good authority that it
actually takes about a year and a half (17 months and 26 days) to move on.
According to a survey of 4 000 divorcees,
by a British dating website www.fifties.com,
that is the time it takes to put to be touchy topics such as property, child
and pet custody and money worries.
But this was just the tip of the proverbial
iceberg for most of the respondents.
At least six out of every 10 said a severe
sense of failure was one of the major issues that weighed them down. So sever,
in fact, that an estimated 5% still couldn’t move on after a number of years,
let alone the suggested 17 months and 26 days.
Read:
Are
you a relationship junkie?
The fifties.com survey reports that a fifth
of the subjects admitted they will never really get over their divorce, while
55% confided how it was the worst thing they’d ever experienced.
We understand how difficult it is to
recover from a breakup or divorce - but we also know the importance of
reminding yourself that you must move on.
And come on now! The dust has settled and
you and your ex are on a reasonably civil footing, and at least you’ve given
priority to the kids’ physical, financial and mental wellbeing.
Now isn’t it time to give attention to your
own mental and physical wellbeing?
Getting
back to you
At some point, those closest to you, who
are worried about what a dark place you’ve allowed your divorce to take you to,
will try to intervene. And they usually think that dating will help.
But while there is some truth to this – you
are human after all – there is some healing you need to do before putting
yourself out there.
Read:
Divorce
is complicated
The
following tips are essential for your post-divorce grieving process:
• Don’t
fight your feelings – feelings of resentment, anger, and fear are normal.
• Talk
about feelings – make others aware of how you are feeling so you don’t feel
alone.
• Never
forget that you have to move on – to not to dwell too long on your negative
emotions.
• Don’t
lose sight of your individual dreams – get back to planning for your future
again.
• Look
out for depression – if you’re not moving forward of a year, you may be
depressed. Seek help.
The survey says that while it takes just
over 17 months for divorcees to a start moving on, it wasn’t uncommon for the
majority to already start getting the ball rolling after 16 months or so. Most
of the time is was a result of them getting back into the dating scene.
Read:
Divorce
support group FAQs
And now that you’re done grieving and are
ready to throw yourself back into the meet market, you may want to consider the
following pointers by William Smook in his article ‘Dating after divorce need not be hell' :
• Start
gently - start with somewhere you’re comfortable.
• Don’t
look desperate - if you’re feeling confident, it’ll probably show.
• Keep
dates short – after 40 minutes you’ll know if you’d like to see them again.
• Know
your turf - join a social club to meet someone who has similar interests to
yours.
• Don’t
rebound - avoid looking for a relationship to mimic the best aspects of your
old one.
• Don’t
talk about your ex - just don’t do it! Learn to listen to your date instead.
See, reclaiming your sanity was not as
difficult as you thought it would be. But never forget how the choices you made
affected your previous relationship. After all, learning from your mistakes is
vital to not repeating them.
Read more:
Divorce takes toll on kids
Research shows that married people have better mental health than their unmarried peers
Handling divorce easier later in life
Hayden Horner for Health24
