24 December 2017

6 things that can seriously mess with your sex life

What’s causing your sex disconnect?

1. You have trouble reaching the big O

A mind or body block could lead to an O that’s MIA.

Physically, many women can’t orgasm from intercourse alone (bring on the clitoral stimulation!). Mentally, the issue is twofold: you need to be focused enough on the sex, but not so focused that you’re geo-tracking when you’re going to come.

Synch up: Slow. Down. Pay attention to how he’s kissing your neck or caressing your inner thigh.

“Our culture is so result-based, when sex is really about giving and receiving pleasure,” says Dr Fleming.

As for clitoral action, ask your guy to reach down and show him how you like it by either guiding his hands with yours or using sexy verbal cues. (“It drives me crazy when you start out slow and then get faster.”) Or take matters into your own hands…

2. He has trouble reaching it

A man’s ability to orgasm can change over time, says Dr Kerner. Sexual novelty is key for some men to get and stay aroused, so if the sex you’re having has become routine, it might be harder for him to orgasm.

Or if how you’re doing it conflicts with his masturbation style (he might go at it hard and rough solo, but you’re slow and sensual together), he might get used to his self-service approach.

Synch up: Schedule two or three 20-minute sessions per week to explore new turn-ons together, whether you do so by reading erotica, trying new positions or watching porn.

Even if you don’t have sex, introducing those sensations into the bedroom could help your guy bust out of that rut to achieve orgasm, says Dr Kerner. If he still can’t get there, he should talk to his doctor to rule out any physiological problems.

Read more: If you want oral sex done right, leave this guide where he’ll see it

3. You’re on new birth control

If your sex drive took a hit soon after going on the Pill (within four to six weeks of starting), that’s likely the culprit.

Birth control pills can lead to a lower level of testosterone, and for some women that can mean lower sexual desire, says gynaecologist Dr Michael Krychman.

Synch up: Talk to your gynae. She might suggest an IUD, like the Mirena, or a different type of pill that has less impact on your hormones or, in some cases, she might suggest a testosterone supplement to counteract the effects of your current Pill.

4. He’s on an antidepressant

Many commonly prescribed antidepressants are in the class of drugs known as serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), which can affect hormones and mess with desire.

He could have trouble getting or staying hard, or the meds can block or delay his orgasm, says Krychman.

Synch up: Experiment with the timing of sex. Getting your romp in before he pops his daily pill could up his chances of getting hard and getting off.

If it’s interfering heavily, his doctor can change his dose or prescription or adding a PDE5 inhibitor (meds like Viagra) to counteract the libido-lowering effects.

Read more: This is what it’s really like to date on antidepressants

5. You were just promoted

So you’ve got more responsibilities and less time, which calls for you to take a look at your priorities. As caretakers, women juggle many things for themselves and for others, so when you have a long to-do list, sex might fall to the bottom (that is, if it even makes the list).

Synch up: Ask your man to help. If you usually split kid duties equally, ask him to take on more of your share until you settle into your new role. And create a calming place to come home to.

“You’re likely always going to have some amount of stress in your lives, so you need to build an environment that allows you to be sexual,” says Dr Kerner.

6. He just lost his job

Men’s sexual performance and self-esteem are closely linked.

“Our society teaches men to be performance-driven,” says Dr Fleming. “His ability to perform at his job and in bed are tied up in his identity.”

And that failure (at least in his eyes) is likely amplified if he’s the sole provider.

Synch up: “The foundation of arousal is relaxation,” says Dr Fleming, so find ways to help release some of that tension, like going for a run.

And in the bedroom, keep the intimacy humming without the expectation of sex to avoid making him feel pressured to perform. Give him a sensual massage or even just a long hug (at least 20 seconds). Physical contact can release oxytocin, which will boost your bond.

This article was originally featured on 

Image credit: iStock




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