Updated 29 August 2013

What your fantasies say about you

If you daydream of having steamy sex on a tropical island whilst thousands of onlookers clap and cheer, this may not be an empty, meaningless fantasy.

Sexual fantasies are a common phenomenon, and provide for the healthy release of pent-up feelings. They allow you to be who you want to be. In your fantasy, you can be five kilograms lighter, drive a cherry-red Mercedes, or sport jet-black, waist-length hair. Some people’s fantasies vary, while others stick to a specific theme.

Are fantasies pure flights of the imagination? Some would disagree, saying that people’s fantasies reveal a lot about them. Nearly 100% of men say that they have had a sexual dream before, in comparison to 70% of women. Experts say that your dreams give expression to your subconscious thoughts.

Kobus van der Merwe, relationship therapist and Imago presenter, believes that your fantasies in the bedroom reveal who you are and what you think (even if you are not aware of this yourself). He observes that there is a fear of rejection in our longing for intimacy. “If you fantasise about intimacy, you won’t experience the pain of rejection.”

Kobus thinks that sexual fantasies are not always a positive contribution to a relationship because they create an “escape”. He believes that we limit our passion through fantasy and daydreams. As a mother, we may think it inappropriate to be erotic. We may be afraid of being judged, of rejection or of losing the love and respect of our spouse. “It is safe to be erotic in your thought life because no-one can judge you in that space. You are in control of what happens. Unfortunately, fantasies can sometimes draw the passion out of a relationship.”

Linked to deepest fears

Tammy Nelson, an Imago relationship therapist, says that in her study of 300 people and their fantasies, she realised that fantasies are sometimes linked to our deepest fears. If you fantasise about your husband having sex with another woman, your greatest fear may be that your husband will cheat on you. Unwanted sexual fantasies often represent unconscious attempts to resolve feelings that resulted from experiences of human aggression, betrayal, abandonment, and exploitation. They help people to escape from emotions such as fear, anger, shame, and helplessness that inhibit sexual functioning.

People who were victimised sexually in the past are often troubled by unwanted sexual fantasies. One research study found that females who have been molested tend to have more fantasies of being forced or dominated than the average woman. The more extreme and violent the abuse, the more likely a survivor of sexual abuse is to have sexual fantasies of being forced into sex or of forcing someone else into sex.

Therapists have found that fantasies can be useful in helping patients to overcome their sexual problems. The individual can, with the help of a therapist, confront and reduce their fears concerning intimacy and sex (Sinclair Intimacy Institute).

Scenario number 1:

  • The mild approach: you choose the time and place to be intimate;
  • The strong approach: sit on top of him and dictate the speed and rhythm that you enjoy;
  • The daring approach: tie him to the bed and enjoy him the way you want to.

  • The mild approach: ask your husband to invite you to be intimate in the coming week;
  • The strong approach: ask your husband to take you by surprise in an unusual place for intimacy;
  • The daring approach: let your husband tie you to the bed with silk scarves and lovingly stroke and kiss your whole body before becoming intimate with you.

  • The mild approach: open the curtain slightly before you have sex. Allow for the possibility that if someone looked over the wall and stared for a while, they might just be able to see you.
  • The strong approach: switch on the light, throw off all the bed covers and lie without clothing on. Your husband should look at you and tell you what he wants and desires from you.
  • The daring approach: have sex outside in broad daylight (in your garden, for example).

  • The mild approach: ask your husband to hold you tightly during and after sex while telling you that he loves you.
  • The strong approach: ask your husband to continually whisper: “I am here, you are not alone,” in your ear during sex.
  • The strong approach: seduce him, confident that he wants and desires you.

(Picture: woman blindfolded from Shutterstock)

Written by Annelize Steyn from Intimacy4Us




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