Well, I care, and I'm sure you care ( or you wouldn't have worked at it so hard ) ; that's more than enough. I salute all the hard work you have done over all this time, seeking to understand and deal with the ennui you have been experiencing. Sometimes Depression is a part of it, or sometimes a more stubborn condition called Dysthymia, a usually milder more more drawn out variety.
I also wonder whether what would most benefit you, and match your personal style, would be a particular variety of counselling called CBT, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, which helps you to examine and revise the long-term habits of thought and behaviour which are not proving fruitful for you, and which you can revise and refine with real benefit
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