Don't give up. If you had given up and shut down 8 years ago, you would never have met her or enjoyed her love. Maybe your parents don't have the basic skills of giving love ; some people don't ; and that didn't enable you to learn how o love and be loved. But it's never too late to learn.
And you began learning in this important relationship with her. I'm certain he would want you to find someone else who will love you, and she would be distressed to see you shutting yourself away again, and despairing.
Bereavement can be difficult for many of us, and there is important grief work to be done ; so you can work through it, so as to remember the person you lost with joy and not bitterness, and to celebrate them and their life, in new love.
Do arrange to see a good counselor to achieve this. It's what you deserve
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