Thanks for your question which has just reached me. From your comments, it sounds quite possible that you are starting to suffer from an unpleasant but treatable Depression, a common disorder, with a number of useful treatment, including some meds and some specific forms of counselling.
The only way to be sure would be to see a doctor or psychologist for a proper in-person assessment which would let you talk about the aspects that are bothering you, and discuss your treatment options. It is important to get such an expert assessment and start treatment, as this can become a dangerous condition yet usually responds really well to treatment. A counsellor could give you also a useful chance to discuss the gloomy thoughts, and learn how to regain control of your mood and your life, more than just writing about it.
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