Any married man knows what it feels like to have the rain of disdain fall haplessly upon him. (In fact, it’s a killer way to find out if you love a woman. Does your skin crawl with self-hatred when she raises a derisive eyebrow? Bingo. She’s stolen your heart, dude.)
But fear not, gentlemen. With these cunning wife defusing tips, Health24’s ManZone will hand you back some strands with which to re-braid your dignity.
Read: 'Fifty Shades' perpetuates violence against women
Tip 1: It’s not about winning
If you can internalise this one, you’re styling. It’s all too easy to get sucked up into the estrogen of a spousal barney, but actually – the real goal here is to get her to calm down so you can go back to watching sport on the telly.
Take this example.
She says:“I just don’t know why I married you.”
What you WANT to say: “I know just how you feel. If I’d known you were going to turn into your mother, I would have literally jumped through the chapel’s stained glass window.”
What you SHOULD say: “I know. I still can’t believe it myself. You must have been able to see how much I truly love you when I proposed. I’m the luckiest man in the world.”
No woman with any blood in her veins will continue a fight after a full frontal schmaltzing like that. You are guaranteed to get the TV remote back, and possibly even a bowl of pretzels. Score!
Tip 2: Nothing angers a women like an empty apology
When your wife starts bitching at you, the urge to simply apologise is probably strong within you, even if you have no idea what she is talking about. Not because you feel that you did anything wrong, but because you are under the mistaken impression that this will end the fight.
A quick poll of wives (okay, mine and three of her buddies who happened to be sipping Sav Blanc in the kitchen at the time) reveals that the empty apology is guaranteed to not only fail to defuse her, but actually to ratchet the fight up a notch.
“God, how I hate that!” shrieked my wife’s friend Annie, sloshing more wine into everyone’s glasses angrily. “What does he think, I’m stupid? That I can’t tell he doesn’t mean it? That bastard! Sometimes I’d like to...”
See what I mean? The things I am prepared to face for you, readers.
Read: An apology often leads to forgiveness
Tip 3: The strong silent approach will fail. Dismally.
According to the wine-tipplers, one thing women hate more than the empty apology is silence. No matter how little you have to add to the argument, not saying anything is guaranteed to whip her up into a demented frenzy.
Can’t think of anything to say? Work on variations of this chestnut: “I can see I made you furious, but I need you to really explain why, so that it doesn’t happen again.” It’s a cliché for a reason, people.
And with that, I leave you to conquer the spousal battles that await. Good luck, buddy. You’re gonna need it.
Got any other spouse-defusing tips you want to share? We need all the help we can get.
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