Updated 28 October 2016

Life’s a (nude) beach

Summer is only getting hotter and your favourite beaches are overrun by masses. So why not make your way to a nudist beach instead?

Summer is only getting hotter and your favourite beaches are overrun by masses of people who are not from your side of town. So what should you do? Make your way to a nudist beach or resort, of course.

OK, I know, at this point you’re probably saying to yourself: “I could never do it because I’m too fat, shy, nervous, scared, old or under-endowed.”

Well, you’re not alone, since nude beaches include people of all shapes and sizes. And while they may vary in body size and shape, they all have one thing in common: they’ve discovered the liberating feeling of sanctioned, public nudity.

Why a nude beach?

• You have a beautiful body.
•  Nothing’s better than swimming in the buff.
•  You’ll get an amazing all-over tan.
•  Nobody cares about your equipment.
•  It’s as liberating as telling your first lie.
•  Everyone should do it at least once.

But before you go running down to the beach with family jewels thrashing in every direction, like some repressed exhibitionist, please note that there are rules to adhere to:

• Arrive with your clothes on
Apart from being illegal, letting it all hang out before you reach the beach might not be appreciated by everyone. Also be advised that although it is a nude beach, nudity is optional and no one will judge you if you don’t strip.
• Drag a friend along
There is strength and confidence in numbers. Or go alone – depending on your comfort level.
• Don’t say cheese
Leave your camera or camera phone at home. Would you like someone taking pics of you naked?
• Don’t stare
If you want to sneak a peek, wear dark sunglasses. Everyone else does it.
• Blend in
How, you ask? People at nudes beaches read, tan, eat lunch, listen to their iPods, chat etc.
• Cover up
No, not with clothing, with sunscreen lotion. Or you will regret it!
• The erection question
Erections will happen. Flaunt it and you will be asked to leave. Lie on your tummy till it subsides.

REMEMBER: If you’re going to a nudist beach just for a giggle, perhaps you should do us all a favour and stay home with a Steve Martin movie instead, and save yourself the embarrassment.

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