Fat like me? Brandon keeps going!

I am one of those idiots who, after a week’s worth of exercise, will get out of the shower and then imagine that I can already see a difference.

 “Can’t you see?” I would wonder in silent suspense when running into a friend. “Don’t you notice?” I’d plead with eyes, eager for validation that all the sweat, aches and pains endured over the last few weeks have not been in vain . . . and what do I get?

“I hope all the squats you are doing in CrossFit helps you shape your bum, Brandon, because your backside is as flat as road kill.” (thank you Lloyd). “I’ll be honest Moose (my ‘varsity days nickname), you’re the same ugly b***ard I’ve known for years.” (thank you Donovan).

That, and other less flattering encouragement aside, after three weeks of training under the watchful gaze of Diane, Will and Phill at CrossFit 360 Vida I do feel a lot better – although I cannot vouch for any grand aesthetical improvements.

Read: What happens at CrossFit?

My scale, too, echoes the reality that, while I can now complete a training session without the Angel of Death hovering over me, it has not (yet) made one iota’s difference in the weight department.

Proof that “0” is “0”

Online there are communities where you can debate abstract algebra and the merits of asking a question such as: "prove that zero is, in fact, zero".

One answer to the above reads as follows: "This would depend entirely on a: What type of object this zero is (Real number, group element, ect.) and b: how this type of object was developed.”

Err… okay.

Another reads: “If you take zero to be the identity element with respect to addition in some group, then just use the definitions of the identity element with respect to addition and of the additive inverse, and show that +0 and -0 must be the same.”

Or… Ask Brandon

Why not come to my house and watch me slide 1 x measuring device, also known as the Merciless Scale of Justice (MSJ), from underneath the basin with great expectations.

Crack a smile as I carefully step on said platform, one leg at a time – careful not to make the needle jump like a rev counter on a BMW M3, driven by a suicidal speed-freak, hell-bent on breaking the sound barrier.

Break down in uncontrollable fits of hysteria as the presence of my second leg (and full mass) pushes mentioned needle a full 360° around to rest in its original starting position.

120kg of stagnant resistance

That’s right, the pace of my progress is matched by the Middle-East peace process and Big Pharma’s ability to produce a cure for Ebola. I may have to establish a commission of inquiry and write myself a strongly-worded letter of condemnation.

Diane did warn me that “weight” may not be my best indication of success but, right now, that is what this exercise is about. What it tells me is that my non-CrossFit related activities probably need a little more work.

Read: Diet plus exercise is best for weight loss

Maybe my diet could be sharpened up, maybe I could cycle more, or maybe I should take a supplement or two?

Next week I’ll get into those elements of this journey in a little more detail. Feel free, though, to share your thoughts or suggestions – I’ll be sure to take heed of good advice.

I’ll also share with you the horrors of being pushed to run further in 40 minutes than you like to drive – and at 5 am, nogal!

Here’s hoping that, next week, I have some triumphant news for you.