Posted by: 1st Time Mommy | 2004/01/27

Zeena & Also a Mom Re: Father & Son

I am 29 and he is 36 the baby is 4 1/2 months old.

I will definately tell my son who his father is, he won't like it but I'll tell him one day when his old enough to understand, he needs to know the truth.
My b/f does help me buy things I need for my baby.

I suppose I have been pushing to get him involved in my little boys life.
I did stop taking the baby around to see him at one time he never saw my baby for 6 weeks and to be honest with you it didn't seem to bother him at all. Now again he hadn't seen the baby for 4 weeks.

What I don't understand is that how can a man look at his own flesh and blood and you just don't see any emotion cross his face. My son is a little active boy kicking, hands in mouth doing alot of baby talk and laughing, so his awake alot yet his father won't talk to him won't hold him he'll touch him with a finger for less than 5 seconds.

What my b/f doesn't seem to understand is the more he pushes my son out of his life the more I'll push him out of mine then his lost the both of us. I have never stoped him from seeing the baby and I won't, but I can't do all the running around and see how he treats my son and not get hurt by his actions.

Pls tell me how do you get over someone you really love to the stage where you can look at them and feel nothing in the sence of you don't love him and you don't hate him kinda like a long lost distant friend.
My feelings for him have actually changed quite a bit but not to where I want it to be. What makes it harder for me is we work for the same company so I see him in the mornings and at nite. It would be alot easier if I didn't see him if I didn't work for the same company as he does.

This is getting quite difficult for me. I'm tired of being alone in this with no one to turn to just to talk get a different perspective some strength to draw from.
The most important person in my life is my little one whom I love and adore more than anything in this world.

Well I filled in the missing pieces age and all.
Thanks for the advice and for giving me some things to think over.

Take Care
1st Time Mommy

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Posted by: Also a mom | 2004/01/27

I hear you!!!!!
Not all men are hopeless when it comes to kids-my 2 brothers are naturals with theirs, just some men suck at it!
You will need to talk to him first, get someone to babysit & talk to him about why he is acting the way he is. "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer! Ask if he still wants to be involved with you & your child. If yes, then tell him you will give him time to adjust (At least till he is one!) If he still acts the way he is now give him an ultimatum. You can't sit around all this time waiting for him to make up his mind whether or not he wants to be a father-he IS a father & its time he dealt with that. Make it clear that your son will know him as his biological father-but he certainly isn't behaving like a daddy & until he does he doesn't deserve that title. If the answer is no, well, then you & your son get a head start on your life together. Focus on your little boy as much as possible-he will heal you.
Here if you need a cyber hug

Reply to Also a mom
Posted by: 1st Time Mommy | 2004/01/27

Hi Also A Mom

You've been through a tough time yourself.
And I know that I must give him time. Unfortunate for me I'm not the most patient person in the world, I just think of the time my son and b/f could be spending together to have a bond but at this stage my son doesn't even know he has a father.
I think the thing that worries me the most is what if he doesn't change if he doesn't want to bond with his child and until my son is od age of understanding how do I explain that to him.

I just think of if you are responsible enough to have sex you must be responsible enough to face the consequences and be responsible to be a parent.
You know I really wish that God gave men more of an insight to when it comes to children so they can understand, cause to be honest with you I don't think a man can and will have a relationship with his child like a mother has with her child.

There is so much I don't understand and when I ask him questions I don't get answers. He is a very difficult man but I'm prepared to listen all I want from him is to tell me and I want the truth I just want to know where I stand that's all. Just so I can know which direction I must move in. I don't want to hang around like some lost soul when I can either work on something with my b/f or I can start getting over him and just concentrate on my little boy completely.
I don't think I'm being unfair, it feels like I'm locked in a room with no light on I want to know what's going on around me.
Either way i need closure.

It's great speaking to you, knowing someone else has been through something like this and can ensure you there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm glad that things worked out with your ex and your son.

Take Care
1st Time Mommy

Reply to 1st Time Mommy
Posted by: Also a mom | 2004/01/27

I feel your pain, the only way to get over loving someone & then not hating them is distance-which is something you can't do! I don't know how a man can be so insensitive to his child-although mine was also the same when my baby was young-he was afraid he would'nt hold him right, or feed him correctly & he believed that as a "mommy", well that was all my job & when he got older he would teach him little boy stuff, like fishing, how to ride a bicycle, how to skateboard, play playstation ect. & now that he is older, my ex does come over & pick him up for a whole weekend & take him off to do these things. Sure I get annoyed & I get hurt when my son comes home & tells me how great daddy is & I sometimes have the erge to say-"You know nothing about your daddy-let me tell you who your daddy really is" & then run him down but I will not-I refuse. The truth is the person children learn the most from-the person they model themselves on is the same sex parent. Thats why I refuse to get in between. What it took for my ex to get involved with my child? Well, I when he turned 3 1/2 I took him for a surprise visit & I left him their with his father. (They needed time alone to bond-eveyone else watching & putting in their 2c would just get in the way). Anyway by the end of the day when I got back they were in the pool together, laughing & carrying on. When I told my son its time to go home his father asked when he could see him again & I said whenever you wish. Call me & I will make arrangements. That was 3 years ago, I have remarried & had a daughter & my son goes to visit his "real daddy" every 2 weeks for the whole weekend-not a problem. It worled for me, but this won't necessarily work for you-I took a big risk just showing up & dumping my son on him but I was desperate! So like Zeena said-the babys dad will get involved when he is older & he can play a practical role in his life-doing father & son things. Nurturing is left up to the mommys!
Anyway, keep your chin up!! This too shall pass.

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