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Question
Posted by: Steve | 2007/03/06

Your opinion / Advice

Hi... Seeing the therapist again tomorrow...

In the mean time, something is bothering me...

I haven't told my wife that I have been playing with guys. But now ahe really bugs me about it, she really wants to know. Should I spill the beans, or should I keep my poker face and not give in? I don't want to hurt her, and I don't think she will be impressed if she finds out. But, is it fair? Should I not rather just come clean? Or should I continue in my quest to protect her (for now ar least).

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi again Steve..... honesty is always the best option. She doesn't need to know the crunchy bits but she needs to be aware of the broader issue.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Luke | 2007/03/07

Hi Steve,

I agree with Gareth. There is no rush to tell her. Rather not tell her at all. Seriously, how will it help the situation? It is only going to hurt her.
All the best mate. Well done on facing this and not living a lie.
Luke

Reply to Luke
Posted by: Gareth | 2007/03/07

I am commenting on this, thinking of my own situation, when I was married and came out.
In my opinion, do not rush to tell her about it at the moment. She has just suffered a huge shock, and has a hell of a lot to deal with. She has to rethink her whole life, as well as the future she planned with you. To tell her now that you were unfaithful to her two would be like kicking her while she is lying. Give it time, and if she asks you about it, tell her that you both are not ready to talk about it. Just give time to heal and to understand each other first. Eventually the time will be right. Discuss it with your therapist as well tomorrow and hear what he/she says too.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Junior | 2007/03/07

Hi Steve

Perhaps you should attempt to resolve any inner conflicts about your sexuality with your therapist. Then, when you feel confident enough, you can explain everything to your wife.

It is important that you do this for a point of security, that way you will be able to handle anything that she may throw at you. You also mentioned that she has a number of problms herself, while you may not be rsponsible for these, you should be sensitive to them. Give her some space and time (and lots of therapy) to deal with her own issues. When you do explain things to her, the reaction will not be as negative.

Do not allow anyone to rush you into ending your relationship with her, you need to feel comfortable with what you are going to do.

Keep well. Be yourself.

Junior

Reply to Junior
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2007/03/06

I reaqlly do not know what I would have done in such a position, but maybe it might be better hearing it from you than from another party. I agree with Nikki - talk with your therapist ASAP and solve it.

Reply to LONEWOLF
Posted by: Nikki | 2007/03/06

Steve, Steve, honey.... :(

You are not protecting her, you are protecting you.

Have a good chat with the therapist tomorrow and get an answer as to how you deal with this.

She has the right to know and keeping it from her is nothing more then a lie. What hurts more, you lying or her finding out the truth?

You are stalling the inevitable. Why looking to protect NOW, what from and how much different will it be in the future?

If you believe that you may well not be gay and things will turn around, then being true full now is much better then ducking and diving her.

The old saying, "what the eyes don’t see, the heart does not cry about" is what you trying to establish here. It would have worked if it did not involve you. You know and you part of this relationship not only she. She may not see and cry, but what about you, when will you be able to stop seeing and crying inside?

Fix you. Do it now and do it without deceiving those you say you love.

xxxxxxxx
Nikki

Reply to Nikki
Posted by: Tammy | 2007/03/06

*sigh*

The bottom line is that the longer this carries on, the more painful it is going to be for both of you. You will just end up hurting each other more.

So one way or another, YOU nned to decide. YOU ALONE. You need to decide whether this is the kind of relationship you want or not. (gender does NOT matter here). The basic thing here is that you have been screweing around. It may hurt your wife a little more to find out that you've been "playing with" men rather than "playing with" women" - but that's not really that important in the general scheme of things.

The issue here (again) is that you've been unfaithful. Each relationship - whether with men or with women - has some "ground rules" attached. These differ in each relationship. But you've broken one of the "ground rules".

So either you decide to remain with the relationship and work hard at it, or you decide that this relationship is not for you, and that you can't follow the ground rules of this relationship.

If you decide to stay, then (from the sounds of things) fidelity is one of the most important ground rules in this relationship. So then you need to decide to commit yourself to your wife and WORK HARD AT THIS RELTIONSHIP. In this case, I wouldn't tell her the truth - but that's for you to decide, and in any event, it looks like she no longer trusts you.

If you decide to go, then my advice would be to do so, and cause the minumum amount of pain to all - yourself included.

No matter what you do, there is going to be pain. But you cannot continue as you are.

And it is YOUR descision.

hugs and kisses

Tammy

Reply to Tammy

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