Posted by: Yello | 2008/01/10

X husband blues

Dear Cybershrink

Hope you had a good holiday! We got rained out in KZN but it was still great to be by the sea.

Back at work and back in the cross hairs of my ex husband it seems.

He is driving me to drink. I have two children from my first marriage that live with me, and my last child lives with his dad.

I have every second weekend visitation and on Wednesdays. He is making it impossible for me to see my son. First he convinced my son that he is now suddenly an athiest and he wont go to church with me on a Sunday morning. So I get him on Friday and take him back Sunday morning early.

Yesterday my son came to visit, and we had packed all the tools in the house while we were on holiday, some in the lounge under the stairs, and some in my sons room as he has the least furniture.

Later on in the evening I get a snotty sms telling me to sort out my sons room as my ex is very concerned that he must sleep with tools in his room. We were busy taking them out when they arrived. He also craps me out as my husband puts his bicycle in my sons room. The tools were not even in my sons way they were packed against the wall and it is TEMPORARY. I got so the hell in I nearly had a heart attack.

Then I get another sms telling me to bring the child home by 8h30. My son was already asleep so I just ignored it. This morning I sent him an email stating that we were removing the tools and that the arrangements in my house are none of his concern.

Well now I have gotten every threat in the book, been called a liar, stated that I dont care about my son, that he cannot allow my son to visit me under these circumstances etc etc.

I eventually told him that if he does not trust me to look after the kid properly then my son must not visit me anymore. I cannot take the abuse that I get from him. My son lies to his dad about stuff that happens, or my ex husband blows things out of proportion.

It is breaking my heart but what do I do? It is so ridiculous that I have been crying all day about it. I have been to a lawyer and with all the changes in the law i doubt I will get anywhere. My ex husband is unreasonable and he is poisoning my son against me.

I feel that I should just let go and tell my son when he wants to visit me without his fathers inteference he can come and visit me.

He is only eleven but he turns my house upside down every time he comes over. He does not listen because he knows he can phone his dad if I complain and his dad runs over and fetches him.

I can either let these two abuse me or I can just stop it. I dont know what to do really and any insight you can give me will be great.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

No holiday at all, but still got rained out !
If you're allowing your ex to drive you to drink, you need to revoke his driving license !
Don't allow the church issue to cause you misery --- enjoy your full visitation --- can't you perhaps go to an evening or other timed chuirch service ?
Why was your son sneaking and complaining to his dad about something so silly and petty as some tools being stored temporarily in his room ? You're right, that during such visits, the arrangements within your house are NONE of your ex's business, so long as its not a matter of actively endangering the kid .
If the court decided the visitation shcedule, that's how it will be, and your ex is not entitled to change it.
It sounds as though the boy is indeed being influenced by toxic bitterness from your ex, and is exploiting the situation like a real brat. Refusing to play such malignant games may be a wise move --- but do be careful, with legal advice, that you don't give up any of the rights you have, even if you choose not to exercise them all the time. And if the boy is visiting you, he should not be calling his dad, and his dad should be refused admission to the house until the visitation is over and it is time to pick him up --- otherwise this is emotionally abusive blackmail and manipulation.
As Dejavu says, explore, with legal advice, options of mediation and a psychologist's intervention with the

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Our users say:
Posted by: Dejavu | 2008/01/10

You are not alone. It is typical that after divorce some ex's will try to downsize each other. Perhaps he wants to drive you to being a drunkard and attempt to get full custody of the other children staying with you as well. Do not let him!
It is time to revisit your divorce settlement agreement and re-read the part dealing with psychological intervention if it exists. Reason being that you and the son and him eventually need to see the appointed psychologist re the matter.
Depending on how old is the child and how far ago the did you divorce, maybe this is his way of reacting to the break up.

Reply to Dejavu

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