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Question
Posted by: Lunlua | 2007/04/17

Worthless

I am feeling so worthless lately. I divorced my husband of 17 years (long winded problems) and married a new man this year. We do everything together - love life, like the same things, really enjoy each other's company. The problem I have is that he has not told his children (17 & 12) that he has married the person he left their mom for, for fear that they reject him too... This has gotten so bad now that he is coming out in rashes all over his body living this double life and now he wants to move out and find his own place but still keep me in the picture. We lived together for 15 months before getting married, have now been married 3 months... I am DEVASTATED to say the least... I have begged, pleaded, cried,sobbed, to no avail - he feels he wants his own place so that the kids can come over (but they don't know about me and still don't come over - so what is the difference). Do I let go and have another failure on my hands - or do I fight for a man whom I truly love and thought loved me too???

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Our expert says:
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Its hard to see how he can expect to live any normal life with you while keeping the marriage secret from his children. You two LIVED TOGETHER and the kids didn't think there was anything going on ? It sounds as though he really needs some personal counsel to work out what he wants and how practically to achieve that, and perhaps couples counselling for the pair of you, perhaps including the children after a while.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lunlua | 2007/04/18

Hi Meg
You are right to some extent, but he had already requested a divorce from his wife when he met me... so that relationship was long over too.
I have tried to include the kids in many ways, made sure he tries to spend quality time with them, phone them even though they do not phone him, insist that he spends time with them even though they don't want to. I have stayed in the background at his request whilst he "eases" his children into the situation, but this has not happened. Even now that I am upset, I still won't destroy what is left of his relationship with his kids.
He is divorced 100%, we are married 100%. I can't throw stones out there - each to their own, it is his decision to tell his kids about me, not for me to force myself upon them - he just cannot commit enough to do so.

Reply to Lunlua
Posted by: Joy | 2007/04/18

Sies guys! She's just trying to make a new life for herself after having had problems in her previous marraige of 17 years! you cant say she has no idea what commitment is or what pain feels like! I just cant agree with you on being so harsh toward her. Where you were at fault though was pretending that you and your new man were the only people that existed in this world and were selfish enough to get married and live together in the process. You could have eased the kids into the idea of daddy having a new girlfriend and graduating to daddy's getting married to his new girlfriend but all you could think of was your happiness. Also, you're the woman in the relationship! If he couldnt see how important it was to involve his kids in the transition process, you shouldve been sensitive enough to tell or insist that they were!
You've actually lived with this man for months and have now married him and still the kids dont know?! Thats just shocking! If he leaves, you should consider things to be over..unless you guys seek professional help and find out how you can now (although SUPER DELAYED) include the kids in your union.

Reply to Joy
Posted by: Meg | 2007/04/18

You are married to this man and he wants his own place as his kids don't know that he is married to you - this man is very insecure and very selfish - he wants everything to be to his advantage - he wants a wife, a place of his own where he can see his kids - what's next? An open relationship so that he can see other women too? Are you sure he is divorced from his first wife? Sounds like he is running from his ghosts as it were! Excuse me, but this man has no backbone - his kids must know that there is someone else is his life although I can't say I blame him for hiding you from them - you being the cause of the break-up and all!! I think his guilt at deceiving his children and their mother is eating him up. I am sorry lady but I cannot say I feel sorry for you - you were the reason why he left his wife and you are just getting what you deserve - maybe he has realised that the grass is not as green as it looked before he left his wife for you! I am sure his previous wife also begged, pleaded, sobbed and cried when he wanted to leave her! Well they say what goes around comes around! Maybe his kids know that you are the person that destroyed their parents' marriage and choose to have nothing to do with you! You cannot go through life hurting other people and not expect it to come back to you at some point! You can probably now feel the pain his wife felt when he left her!! Not very nice huh??!!

Reply to Meg
Posted by: southern write | 2007/04/18


At a rough guess I would say he is possibly having an affair or is still married to his ex - what a insecure person if he cannot sit his children down and explain that he is now married to someone else - does he have to tell them tha that you are the person that he left their mother for ?? - yes I bet he feels rejection - also sounds like he wants the best of both worlds -

Reply to southern write

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