Posted by: Broken | 2012/02/09

Worth trying to save marriage after affair?

I posted a few weeks ago that I found out my husband is cheated. Since then more lies came out. He did have sex with another woman before our successful IVF and the relationship continued with sexting and emails and physical when they had work parties together. He had 2 girlfriends over December, both co-workers.

The details aren''t that important and the fact is if I wasn''t 39 weeks pregnant he''d been long gone but it''s always been so important fro me that my children have a father. I''ve known this man almost 20 years and he broke me. We''re seeing therapist but I want statistical, realistic answers.

Is it worth saving a marriage or is it (as I suspect) Incredibly stupid to stick around and try? Can you even ever really be happy with someone that cheated? This isn''t hollywood, happy endings doesn''t happen. Why do men cheat? We were truly in a good marriage, had good sex life, everything. Why wasn''t I enough? And why should I believe that I''ll be enough in the future? Why should I believe he loves me if he lied and cheated? Can he truly be sorry or is he just sorry he was caught?

How does one knowingly hurt someone else so incredibly much for a few kicks? How? Am I stupid to still try and figure this out? Should I pack my bags? I hate that my son will be born soon in such a situation and I have no power to change it. I was completely fooled. FFS we went for counseling before IVF too be sure we can be good parents and he had already slept with another woman, how do you continue to try for a child when you''re clearly were more interested in other woman?

Cybershrink I know you dont have all these answers but please talk to me about affairs and surviving them and motivations etc. please give me data and facts. Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Personally, I think work parties cause many problem, and have very few if any benefits.
Anyhow, your therapist should know both of you well enough to give you the best answers to these questions. Statistics are irrelevant. You are yourself, not predictable by any mere statistic. It doesn't in the least matter "why men cheat" ---what matters is why THIS man cheated on YOU, now. And to consider how best to respond to that.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Hurt Before | 2012/02/10

They DON''T change. My fiance'' and father of my 4 yr old daughter cheated on me for 3 years, whilst i was pregnant with our child, and for a long time after she was born! he was caught, confronted, swore he''s never do it again and WHAM a year later, surprise surpise. they NEVER change, and it''s because they don''t want to change. it''s too easy to have your cake and eat it, because if you forgive them once, they think it''s too easy to do it again.

he''s a wonderful father to our daughter, and she''s happier having 2 parents happy apart, than unhappy together.

please, don''t let him manipulate you. think about how little he cared about you when he was sleeping with another woman.

Reply to Hurt Before
Posted by: Mehgan | 2012/02/10

There are worst things thank growing up without a father, like growing up in a loveless family.

It''s all up to you at the end of the day. I personally would leave, even if just for a while to make him realize what he''s done.

And because I''m an irrational and vindictive person sometimes (when the time is right), I would do what M did. That doesn''t make you a bad person. It just exposes them for the slimey people they are.

Some people only realize when the shit becomes public, otherwise they just stay arrogent that they got away with it with their reputations intact, whilst in the meantime making a joke out of you.

Reply to Mehgan
Posted by: Me | 2012/02/10

Broken, do not for one moment blame yourself for his irrepressible acts. He will need to change within himself, and he will not be able to let go of his " bad habits"  by himself. He will go through the same test over and over again untill he pass that test. Temptation will haunt him and only if he has the desire to refrain from doing these things to you (and himself), will he be able to move forward in life and give you the love and support you desrve.
Pray for him...if he confess he should move on.

Reply to Me
Posted by: Romany | 2012/02/10

If YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND want to commit to saving the marraige. Yes, it can be done.
It will be a very long road...
Good luck

Reply to Romany
Posted by: M | 2012/02/10

My husband too had an affair when I was pregnant, 7 years into the marriage. We also had a great sex life, I trusted him completely. I didnt believe it when I was told he had an affair and being pregnant with a second baby, I never thought in a million years he would cheat. I think being pregnant whilst he was having an affair made it worse.
However, there was hell to pay when I did find out and I didnt care whether he left or stayed. I drove to the womans house and confronted her in whilst he followed me. I told them they deserved each other and as broken as I was, tried to nurture the pain by getting my own back. I contacted her family, place of work etc and made sure everyone knew what type of woman she was. My husband''s families were all informed as well as his colleagues. Embarassing them, gave me some kind of peace. After much grovelling and tears etc, I decided to give him another chance. We been married 19 years now and he has not set afoot astray. He knows if he does, he will be out for good. I know this sounds foolish, but sometimes people make mistakes and they learn from it the hard way, however there are those who are repeat offenders. You need to establish which category your husband falls in. Your baby might be not be better off if his mother is going to become depressed and feel betrayed and hurt especially if his dad doesnt drastically prove to you he is worthy of your love.

Reply to M
Posted by: Queen | 2012/02/10

I don''t know the exact stats and figures, but I do know that most marriages don''t survive those kinds of challenges.

But also I do know that a colleague of mine has stayed in her marriage even though her husband has impregnated another woman while married to her, had one or two girlfriends as well. Is she happy with her decision to stay? I don''t know. Her husband has since changed his ways. He is now focused on repairing their marriage. We all see how hard he''s trying, but she doesn''t. She still can''t get over the hurt he caused.

In my opinion, only you will know what to do in this situation.

Reply to Queen
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/02/09

Absolutely no problem, you will get plenty of opinions here. And someone somewhere will have surely compiled stats.

Personally l would leave............

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Broken | 2012/02/09

I know but it doesn''t hurt getting other opinions or statistics as well, does it?

Reply to Broken
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/02/09

Your therapist should be working towards you finding the answers to your questions. l hope you find a way to be happy again.

Reply to Obvious

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