Posted by: Bennie | 2004/01/23

Work & Wedding Blues

Hi all,

I got engaged over december to a lovely woman and we are tying the knot at the end of the year. My problem is, i'm under a lot of stress at the office and in between that we must organise the wedding, buy a new house, engagement ring and all the things that goes with that. I'm struggling to cope, my familie thinks i've got personal isues with them, which is not true. I just can't keep everyone happy i'm trying my best but with no luck.

I've talked to my fiance about it and she says i musn't let my work affect me so much, but i've tried to switch off when i leave the office, but i don't really know how. There is also financial pressure, because i'm the main breadwinner and my fiance has a bit of debt to pay off, so all the financial strain is on me at the moment and i'm scared of over extending myself.

I've started to develope a ulcer and my smoking has increased alot. What ways are there to manage stress???

Please any advice would be appreciated.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear bennie,
it's no more your job to make and keep everyone else happy, than it's their job to make and keep you happy. And maybe your fiancee needs to continue to make major efforts on her own to deal with her debts, rather than leaving it to you ; and over-extending yourself, financially, benefits neither of you. And as you've found, over-smoking or drinking, doesn't help at all.
Maybe the timetable you've set yourselves is unrealisic, and it'd be worth taking more time before the wedding, so as to be much less stressed --- afterall, the main aim is supposed to be to enjoy yourselves. Mayb she can get an extra job to pay off her own debts, AND to contribute to the costs of the house, etc. And do you actually need to start married life in a house, rather than a flat, to give time to save up enough for the house you need, without excessive debts and stress > You are doing far, far too much. And collapsng halfway up the aisle with a ruptured ulcer or a heart attack, is no good for her, either.
And if you check out the archive of this Forum, you'll find we've discussed a range of ways to handle stress, before. And seeing a counsellor, to learn HOW to slow down usefully, and how to handle stress better, could be an excellen investment.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Bennie | 2004/01/23

Thanks Puzzled,

Your advice is much appreciated and i'll definitly try that.

Reply to Bennie
Posted by: Puzzled | 2004/01/23

Sorry Bennie, I guess I misinterpreted when you said "I am the sole bread winner" That usually means that only one person is working. I seem to have offended you-I promise you, didn't mean that she was a lazy money grabbing woman-really I meant no offence at all if that is the way it sounded!
Its actually very heart warming to see that you jumped to her defence like that-you must really love her & thats really great!
I hope many other women out there will find a man like you & your fiance is just as lucky to have you as you are to have her. I did leave a little info on dealing with stress at the bottom of my posting-it worked for me (& my finace, now husband.) We broke our dreams down into smaller achievable goals instead of doing it all at once & it only took 2 years to achieve all of them. (Stress free) Just thought that would help.

Reply to Puzzled
Posted by: Bennie | 2004/01/23

Well Puzzled, she actualy has a job and is paying off her own debt, but because of that i'm providing the money for the house and food. She is going to contribute towords the wedding and so on. The problem isn't realy money.

but thanks anyway.

Reply to Bennie
Posted by: Puzzled | 2004/01/23

I know this is a little blunt, but don't you think that your fiance should get a job & pay off at least some of her own debt? She is marrying you so some of that responsibility (At least paying something towards the house & the wedding & your wedding ring (not the her own wedding & engagement rings of course-I mean-thats just rude!!) But a marriage is about 2 people working actively towards the same goals.
You are right-you're doing WAY to much-maybe put the wedding itself off until halfway through next year instead of the end of the year. And the house can come later too. Rather sort stuff out with your family, then get your fiance the ring first, then marriage, then the new house. Take Baby Steps! Get the small things out of the way-set small goals, achieve them & then set the bigger goals & work towards the bigger ones.
Ok to manage stress-Firstly you need to know that you can relax without feeling guilty because you have to do this & that & then next thing!!
SO take the pressure off & do something you enjoy! Ok, I wouldn't suggest winding down & relaxing by having a drink-thats just asking for trouble.....try going away on holiday with your fiance, go fishing, get a massage, BREATE man BREATHE!
Ok, well, good luck & take care!

Reply to Puzzled
Posted by: Soul | 2004/01/23

Hi Bennie

You're going to make yourself sick if you continue to carry on like this. Do what you can do and take it one step at a time. You are only human and you're doing it on your own.
Take some time out for yourself go away for a weekend it will do you the world of good and relax and think of yourself for a change.

Remember you can only do so much, and if things have to stand still for a while then so be it your health is much more important.

Take Care of yourself

Reply to Soul

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