Posted by: A Dam Fool | 2004/01/16

Wont wear my Ring

My wife and I have been having problems for a while now and we are now going for counseling next week. I now sleep in the spare bedroom, waiting for her to let me sleep in my bed again I admit it was my idea to move out as she said she needed the space and I thought we should try and be friends first but that was over a month ago!! She has not kissed me in the last three months, nor have we made love. She tells me "Itstill doesnt feel right" Now she wears a silver ring were her wedding ring and engagement ring should be. Am I justified in getting upset about this? How can things ever feel right or show some semblence of going back to normal if we do not carry on as per normal. Now I am not talking about sex here, I can handle that, but I miss sleeping with her, kissing her and I feel she should definately wear her wedding ring. What do I do?

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Our expert says:
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Dear ADF,
It's entirely understandable that you would find this conduct hurtful. it puzzles me that people who ask others to respect their "need for space" so often show so very little respect for their partner's feelings. As the old character in a childrens book was named : Mrs DoAsYouWouldBeDoneBy. Unless you have done something dreadful, especially in the area of infidelity, it's hard to understand any reasonable excuse for being so deliberately hurtful and inconsiderate. It's excellent to hear that you two will be going for counselling next week, as you will surely learn a lot in that experience, and will have the opportunity to express how hurtful these decisions of hers have been, and how you feel about the necessary components of afection and love, as well as sex, within a marriage. maybe it's best to be patient until then, to ensure that the counselling gets started and on course.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/01/16

You have made a mistake in moving out of your bedroom (that is why it is called the master bedroom - it is yours). You should have put the ball in her court and given her the choice to move into the spare bedroom - now you have given her the initiative.

Unless things change after the counseling session you should reclaim your rightfull position and move back into your bedroom. If she don't want to share it with you she must move out - that will also indicate that the problem is much more serious than you think. If, and when things are resolved from her point of view she will eventually move back to your bedroom. She is the one asking for space, so give it to her on your terms, not hers.

Hope it works out in the end.

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