Posted by: Optimistic | 2004/10/25

Wnat to improve

I come to this forum, hat in hand, humbled and dying inside.
I'm in the process of losing my husband, and I don't want to.
We've had such a hectic relationship - ups and downs constantly! We've ha communication problems / understanding problems, and I made a decision to grow up, or I'll lose him.
But I wonder if it's not too late. He's so distant from me, we've got people around us constantly - I don't think he can handle being with me and our son alone anymore. We've got to always have plans - go to people, or have them over - all the time.
And whenever we're in social situations, he lights up with other people, he's so magnificent, and charming and happy. And when he's with us (we were at home alone yesterday), and he was so different - sad, down, quiet, and then later on he got frustrated - tried to be nice, but you can tell when someone's had enough of your face. I want to try - and keep trying harder!
What suggestions do any of you have?
Please help.

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Our expert says:
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Optimistic --- marriage Counselling. tell him the nice things you've said about him here, and about how much you want to save the marriage, and ask him to join you in marriage counselling to understand and sort out whatever problems there are. There will be problems on both sides neding to be dealt with, but if it is easier to get him involved in marriage counselling if he sees it as mainly intended to sort out problems You think You have, so be it.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: HF | 2004/10/25

Ok otherside, I have stopped my accusing behaviour, I used to give him hell for even speaking to another woman. But I realised I was being jealous and insecure.
I must admit, you do sound almost exactly like my husband, he says such nice things, but I can feel that there is not much tolerance for my face anymore.
I want to be different - I take responsibility for making his life miserable previously and not allowing him just to be a person. That's on me. However, I can already feel changes in me from this realisation - when he talks to other women in front of me, I am more relaxed, I can feel the change inside my heart - because I see it now from his point of view.
I know he can't just relax overnight and everything will 'poof' be normal and wonderful again - what first steps do I take to SHOW him - and not be so desperate that I'm in his face all the time nagging about how much better I can be...
I'm rather confused, but really willing to make a change. Do you think I should give him some space? And then he can make a real decision - I would rather have him leave me, if I'm making him that unhappy. I just love him that much.
Neither of us can move out, so how would I show him my improvement / willingness to change my negative previous behaviours?

Reply to HF
Posted by: OtherSide | 2004/10/25


I am not a physcologist, but behaviour like this can stem from many different reasons, incompatibility, an affair, low self esteem etc.

I am a man possibly in your husbands shoes. I have a wife that I just cant stand to be around anymore, and the solution would be for her to show some active interest in my life, stop the accusations and making me feel guilty about everything, and basically live the part of a wife not a mother or boss.

Now I am not saying this is the case for you, not at all, I dont know your circumstances, but sometimes a man wont confront the issues due to not wanting to cause conflict or simply not knowing how to speak through things.

For a short time, take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, "What could I change that would make XX want to be with me".. and remember that it is a long term thing, not a quick fix.

BUT.. if you have to suddenly go and change your entire character, then the separation/divorce is probably better. I think there is a fine line between compromise and fundemental characteristics of what makes you who you are. Tread that wire carefully.

Reply to OtherSide

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