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Question
Posted by: strained | 2007/04/03

Withholding sex in marriage

My wife and I are married for 3 years and have been having a hard time keeping the passion of a young married couple. We have both hurt each other and are close to divorce but we both still want our marriage to work out. However I find it extremely hard to come to terms that she is withholding sex from me. She wants to feel our relationship works before she is willing to but her self in a sexual situation. I believe her reluctance damages our relationship more. Any advice, and would you say that she has a right to do so in a marriage?

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Our expert says:
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Marriage counselling is called for, surely ? Within a marriage it's not an issue of whether she has the "right" to withhold sex from you, but whether doing so is good for either of you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Unique | 2007/04/04

I'm sorry but I can identify with her. How do you have sex with somebody that you stull angry with/hurt about what they did or said. I personally cannot put aside the hurt and just have sex. It tried once with my husband and it was terrible. Completely physica - no emotion at all. No I don't think she's being unreasonable. She's probably not withholding it from you - just doesn't feel like it due to the problems.

Reply to Unique
Posted by: Breez | 2007/04/03

There is more you not telling us, does you fight have anything to do with u sleeping with someone else, in that case you gonna have to give her time to get over the image of you and the other person in her mind. If there was nothing of that sort, then I will go with RMC`s advice seduce her nicely, make her feel loved and desired again.

Assure her that you still love her and you want this work, and it hurts you when she rejects you like that, as you so much want to be intimate with her. Find out how you guys can make this easier to move on.

For me I always find it easy to express myself on paper maybe ask her to write down, the solution to the hurt and pain or rather write down how she is feeling maybe then you can be able to understand where she is coming from.

Good luck

Reply to Breez
Posted by: RMC | 2007/04/03

Nope, she can't punish you by withholding sex. Try seducing her - start sending little love notes, plan a little picnic in the lounge for her -- but don't have sex that night - give her a back rub or something - do that for a couple of nights and save the best for last. Remember marriage is not about who was right and wrong a lot of the times too. She can't have the attitude that you did something to upset her and so she with holds stuff from you

Reply to RMC

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