Posted by: Crossroads | 2004/01/19

Will it work or wont it?

My wife of four years left me on Christmas day with my baby daughter of four month due to an argument about family, where I said that the amount of time she spends with them and the amount she discusses with them she might as well move back home. We are currently talking, she does not want to come back home at this stage as she says that she has issues and occurances to sort out in her mind. She says it might take another month or two before she comes back. In my mind, this is not the right way of going about things. Do I challenge her decision or let it stand with me building up resentment to deal with later? Or do I call the marrage quits?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Crossroads,
Surely, if she is sincere about wanting to sort out whatever issues there are between you, she should agree to join you in proper mariage counselling ( eg with FAMSA ). Evasive tactics rarely find good solutions. On her own and separated from you, over a basically silly argument, the chances of her working things out even to her own benefit, let alone that of both of you and the child, are much lower. it sounds like she could be basically evading her responsibilities to the marriage, which is not an arrangement to enter into, or to leave, so frivolously.
The Festive Period is actually quite a danger zone, and rarely very festive, in many families.
As Lolly suggests, PND ( Postnatal Depression ) is a possibility worth considering, and could partly explain the problems. One wonders WHAT it was that she felt she had to spend so much time discussing with her family, and, apparently, not with you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lolly | 2004/01/20

Have you thought that perhaps your wife has PND? I see that your baby is only 4 months old and quite honestly often PND makes a woman do things that she would never do - a woman with PND does not have the capacity to hink logically. In any event, I believe that your comment regarding the "amount of time she spends with her family" is a really hurtful statement. Family in their own right a a support group in time of need. Perhaps you are not paying enough attention to her? If she has PND, she needs all the support she can get. Also remember having a baby ca be veryy stressful and maybe Granny helps a lot. I would like to hear the "Shrinks" comments on this regarding the PND.

Reply to lolly
Posted by: qwertyui | 2004/01/19

I had a very similar situation on new years day also an argument over family, it seems to happen quit a lot over the festive season.

This is what I did and it worked. You must know that my fiance does not back down at all so this was hell of a brave but very simple.

I let her go and for much longer than she expected you see often a woman will leave because she wants her partner to realise what he has done wrong and how serious it is. If you really believe that you had a good vallid point then stick to your guns and tell her not to come back untill she see's your point it may turn out to be a competition of who is the most stubborn in this case make sure you are.

Don't ever let e woman think she can get her way through this kind of behaviour it is unaceptable you guys should be able to sought things out like adults. I think she sounds very childish.

PS my relationship is going very well now that my woman knows who wears the pants

Reply to qwertyui
Posted by: Soul | 2004/01/19


The one thing married couples need to understand is when they get married they have their partners to turn for everything, good time and bad. Your wife needs to learn that you are the man she needs to turn to. I'm not saying she musn't have anything to do with her family but she needs to get her priorities straight.
She needs to understand that she is your responsibility and you are hers. It never works when the parents are involved because they bcome part of the problem if not the problem it self.
Yourself and your wife need to talk about this. And the issues that she has she should be discussing them with you and seeking your help and advice.
Cause the way she's carrying on she's going to loose her marriage and her husband.
Try and work it out and try and understand what she's going through. Just remember she may not neccessarily want advice but instead have you really listening to her and what she's feeling and saying. Hear what she has to say and give it some time and then make your decision.

I hope all tuns out great for you Crossroads.
Take Care

Reply to Soul

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