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Question
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/04/17

Will it be a wise decision?

Hmmm... Where do I start... Okay, a few years ago me and this guy (J) were an item - he moved 400km away from me and wanted me to move with him, but our parents didn't like the idea, I fell in love with baby's dad (R) and left J for R. J tried to commit suicide - his reason was that he couldn't go on without me. While being in a relationship with R I tried to make things right with J and tried to stop him from killing himself - R didn't like the idea. But what else could I do, I couldn't just do nothing and let the J kill himself. Well, I cried about what I've done to J and that's where the problems between me and R began. I got a call one night that J locked himself in the bathroom, I went there without J knowing I was there. Me and one of his friends sat outside the bathroom floor for 3 hours and it was terrible hearing J cry for me and I felt really guilty (just for the record, I never cheated on J). After 3 hours J's friend realized that something was wrong and broke down the door, J cut himself all over his arms (really deep cuts) and wrote on the tiles with his blood "I love you Echelle" and it was terrifying! That night I went home with him and just sat beside him to know that he was okay - me and R were not yet a couple, but we were already comfortable then. I didn't lie to R about that night and always told him the truth. He seemed fine with it, but wasn't really.

So J waited for me for 2 years and when he found out I was pregnant he was devastated, but he contacted me one day and said that he will take care of me and my baby, I still loved him, but loved R also and stayed with R.

Now that me and R aren't together anymore, J is coming through on the long weekend and said that we must do something together. He says that he doesn't know what the future holds for us, but whe must wait and see. What if he wants to have a future with me? Will it be wise to start a relationship with him again? I'm not sure, because what if we're really not meant for each other and the past continues intself?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Of course the truth in any such situation as J's manipulative and unpleasant response when you left him, is that he COULD live without you, but didn't choose to do so without trying to manipulate you back with him. It wasn't your task to stop him from jilling himself --- that was HIS responsibility. Its not about what you did to J, but about what J chose to do to J. J needs to be in proper therapy with a skilled shrink, and not to be manipulating you every chance he gets. It sounds as though you then tried to have J and R simultaneously ?
I wonder what his psychologist would advise him about this ? DOn't rush into anyhing

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/04/17

I think by that time his work forced him to see a pshycologist, because he almost lost his job. But now he's one of the best workers there, he applied for a job to move back here, but at his current job they gave him a raise to stay, so I think he sorted out his issues. Maybe he learned something out of it all and maybe he got stronger, dunno...

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: annon | 2007/04/17

hi echelle i think you should leave j alone find a new man maybe he still has issues to deal with.


annon

Reply to annon
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2007/04/17

stepping out of the office for a minute my dear, will be back with a loooooooooooooong reply :)

Reply to Foxybrown
Posted by: ... | 2007/04/17

no not yawn there's a child involved

Reply to ...
Posted by: rose | 2007/04/17

ja echelle, dis wat ek ook wou vra - het vergeet - sal hy n toekoms kan he sonder resentment teenoor die past?

noem al die dinge vir hom. al wat jy kan doen,in die minste, is om eerlik te wees.

maar pasop net vir groot beloftes tot by die maan en strerre..dis nie realisties nie, ne?

Reply to rose
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/04/17

Yeah maybe Yawn...

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: rose | 2007/04/17

hi echelle, ek stem saam met maria.
wees baie versigtig...maar polly kan ook reg wees?!

jy moet onthou, die MANIER wat hy julle breakup hanteer het, is nie baie wel nie. al is hy heartbroken en seergemaak, is dit nie 'sane' om te wil selfmoord pleeg en te voel 'jy kan nie lewe sonder iemand nie'. ek weet ons almal VOEL so na n breakup wat rerig iets beteken het, maarhoe gaan hy ander dinge hanteer? daars ietsie seer diep binne wat hom so laat reageer en di het dalk niks met jou te doen nie. is jy seker jy kan dit doen? wat as dit weer nie uitwerk nie? wat as daar iets gebeur en hy doen weer sulke dinge wat jou laat skuldig voel en voel asof NET jy sy geluk bepaal. hy moet self gelukkig kan wees. en onthou, jou seuntjie het n stabile situasie nodig, en dit kan baie ontstellend vir hom wees as J dalk weer sulke dinge doen in ander situasies wat hy probeer control.

praat mooi met hom en se vir hom waarvoor jy dalk bang is. dis wonderlik dat jy n maat kan kry wat jou seun heeltemaal sal aanvaar en respekteer. jy moet ook seker wees hy haal nie dalk sy gevoelens teenoor R op jou seun uit nie. mens weet nooit...maar jy kan J help en hy kan sy probleme(?) uitsorteer en dalk met iemand gesels.

alles van die beste, hoor! en laat ons weet wat jy besluit en hoe dit verloop het.:)

Reply to rose
Posted by: Yawn | 2007/04/17

mountain out of a mole heap

Reply to Yawn
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/04/17

The thing is, we never faught when we (me and J) were together until I left him, but maybe now after the years of hurt and pain we will fight about it in the future if we decide to have a future together. I wouldn't mind having a future with him, but just afraid that the past will stand in our way?

Where's foxybrown, would love her looooong reply (LOL)

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: Polly | 2007/04/17

Another thing: take one day at a time. If it doesn't work out (again)..well, deal with the situation when it arises.

Reply to Polly
Posted by: Polly | 2007/04/17

Go for it!!! The reason that it didn't work out in the past might just be because the timing wasn't right.....maybe it is right now.

Reply to Polly
Posted by: Maria | 2007/04/17

J obviously had some serious problems at the time that you describe. He was hopelessly dependent on you and his behaviour was manipulative. My advice would be to steer clear, and if you do want to have a relationship first make sure that his issues are sorted out.

Reply to Maria

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