Posted by: Ashamed | 2007/03/03

Will I ever be happy with who I am?

I was abused at a very young age & kept it a secret for over 20 years. Its been 2 years now after seeking help & speaking out. I saw a phsycologist & physchiatrist. Was & am on meds. 18mths ago, I tried to take my own life, but failed. That event, changed my life & I promised myself & to God that I would never ever try & take my own life. God has a plan for me & my future. But now 18 months down the line, I can feel myself slipping back into this deep dark cave.
I can't concentrate on my work properly. People, my colleagues & my clients think that I'm good at my work, but in truth I suck!
I can't cope with my work or with my life & I feel like everything I've done these past 2 years has been in vane. I'm destined to be miserable. I have urges to hurt myself. I dig my finger nails into my hands. Whats wrong with me. I should have sorted out all my issues about my past by now. I've been seeing professionals for 2 years now. Been on anti-depressants & now I just want off! I'm finished, through with this crap. I just don't know what to do. My world is falling apart & I just don't know what to do.
I feel like I need to take a week off work, but my boss tells me that "its only the beginning of the year, I can't be stressed out already, whats wrong with me". You see CS, the truth is I'm a failure, a dork, I just can't make it out in the big bad world.
I've tried to act responsible & accept that I was abused & work through my past. The flashbacks & nights mares have stopped, so at least its helped with that, but why am I always so anxious & depressed. Surely by now I should have sorted myself out?
I don't like my therapist anymore. Don't know why, Its not that she's done anything wrong. Strange really, coz at the same time I constantly think about a session with her, or I'm talking to her in my mind & what advice she would give me. I'm going crazy, is this normal?
So sorry for babbling on like this. I know you real busy.
Thanks for the lending ear!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOu have nothing to feel ashamed about. Your abuser has, but then abusers rarely seem to feel the shame and regret they deserve to feel. I wonder what type of psychologist you were seeing, as a more practical CBT-oriented therapist dealing directly with your present problems, would be far more useful than one using the outmoded analytical approach of wandering aimlessly around in the past. And do discuss this recent decline with the psychiatrist and seek re-assessment and possible revision of present treatment.
YOu're not a failure --- you were failed. That's different. And you WILL be able to make it in this world.
As Anonamous points out there are many potential reasons, related to the normal process of therapy, that could be becoming difficult between you and your therapist right now --- and they need to be discussed with the therapist, and maybe switching therapist could help., if they are not easily soluble. You are not going crazy.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Girl | 2007/03/04

I think it would be very helpful to talk to others who have been abused in the same way you have. It may help you to realize that you aren't a failure and you shouldn't be ashamed of yourself. Like CS said, the abuser is the one who's a failure and should be ashamed, not you. Try and talk to your therapist about finding people who have had the same experience as you. It'll really help with your self esteem. You're really stressed because you have this underlying issue that you need to deal with and everything else just piles on top of it then you stress about little things more than you should. I hope you feel better soon!

Reply to Girl
Posted by: Anonamous | 2007/03/04

Regarding your therapist, you might be experiencing transference , where you experience some of the problems with her, or see problems in her, that mirror other problem figures for you - it might not be "real", in the here and now. You should definitely discuss all of this with her, and you should be able to do so honestly without her taking exception. Perhaps you are also experiencing resistance to the therapy process at the moment - feeling uncomfortable is often what therapy is about - it's hard work. And trauma makes things all the more difficult, as you might see things differently from what they really are, through the "past's eyes", which cloud all of life's views, and is really tough - I'm sure CS will recommend CBT therapy to change these ways of thinking. A consistent therapist who's there for you now is important - perhaps print your message out and let her read it so she knows how you feel?

Reply to Anonamous
Posted by: Britty | 2007/03/04

What about changing your therapist? Have you told your present therapist about these recent problems. I really hope you get sorted out as you sound like you are in a lot of pain still. Good luck.

Reply to Britty
Posted by: Lynda | 2007/03/03

Are you still on medication now? If not, sounds like you certainly need to see your Psychiatrist for an assessment. Sounds like you are in a depression and you need help fast. You will feel like a different person, once you get the meds sorted out. If you are on meds at the moment, you need to tell your Dr how you are feeling. Either they are not working for you or you need a change or an adjustment in the meds. Although you might have worked through part of your past, it sounds like you do need support from your psychologist and make an appt for more sessions. Right now, you can call Lifeline, tel no at the top of this page, there is always someone on the other end of the line willing to lend an ear and perhaps talking to someone anonymously might help you. You are not alone, remember that.
Did you have CBT counselling before.

Take care of yourself and keep us posted

Reply to Lynda

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