Posted by: Lia | 2004/11/18

Will he hit me?

I have a very heavy heart today. Last night in a fight wih my husband he threatened to hit me. Actually, the word he used was "bliksem". This isn't the first time he's threatened me with violence. He says I provoke him and that I'm disrespectful. I admit that I'm not entirely without fault but what if he actually goes through with it? I just feel so intimidated. And more than a bit scared actually. He knows that he's bigger and stronger than me and that if he wanted to hit me there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it. What does he want me to do? Be the obedient little wife? And he's such a hypocrate! Always carries on about how men who beat women are cowards etc. I've got two little boys. What example does it set for them when their dad threatens to hit their mom?

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Our expert says:
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Lia, yes, this is indeed disrutbing and alarming. Maybe it's significant that though he feels you often provoke and annoy him, apparently he hasn't hit you yet. And of course this is NOT a good example for the children to overhere. Would he agree to join you in marriage counselling, with some tactful persuasion ? Otherwise, you might want to call POWA for advice on handling a poentially abusive situation. Counselling for yourself could deal with perhaps reducing the possibilities that at times you are unhelpfully provocative, but this sort of problem affects both of you, and needs both of you to become involed in it's solution.

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Our users say:
Posted by: edmund | 2004/11/18

Be Objective:
1. He has utered these words during a fight in which both of you were provoked in some way or another.
2. he said he will bliksem you but has not yet done do
3. You admit that in some way you are also at fault

Ask yourself the following questions?

Is something bothering him?
Is he the silent type when it comes to his feeling
Do you make the time to understand him
Are you setting time out for both of you to really communicate.

Yes there is a lot of questions and work to be done before any one of us can judge a situation based on one side only.

Kind regards

Reply to edmund
Posted by: P | 2004/11/18

So verkeerd as wat dit is as 'n man aan 'n vrou slaan (en dis totaal onaanvaargaar) moet hom nie teen die mure uitdryf deur dit wat jy se nie.

Reply to P
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/11/18

hi there

at least you get a warning - mine just beat the hell out of me
i don't think men who treathen you will actually beat you - he is warning you - if he is not justlified in his behaviour then you should warn him that if he ever does hit you, you will leave

why don't you get professional help before it get out of control


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Beaten | 2004/11/18

Hi Lia. I don't want to frighten you, no two men are the same. 10 years ago it started with threats, If you don't shut up I will hit you..... and why ??? cause I stood up for what I believed to be right from wrong and you know they say the truth hurts. Well 10 years later been beaten numerous times and he has this flaming temper and even though we are about the same height he is much stronger. First couple of beatings I would cower in the corner and the last couple of beatings he got back double of what he handed out. Even though I could not hit back half as hard as he did, i refuse to take it. Now 10 yrs down the line I have a beautiful, very emotional and traumatised son who has witnessed all of this firsthand. A 6 year old daughter that thinks its normal for a man to hit a woman and a completely broken spirit, with very little self esteem. I have been seperated for a while and trust me wild horses couldn't drag me back, so Lia be careful, you also have children and trust me when they have done it once and cry and promise never 2 do it again, there will be a second.

Reply to Beaten
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/11/18

Hi Lia

I definately do not condone his threats of violence, but have you ever heard the saying that the tongue is sharper than a two edged sword? Maybe you should be more careful on what you are saying to him.

I don't see any signs of love or affection for him in your posting - maybe because you don't have respect for him?

To answer your question - yes, I do think he will hit you if you provoke him enough - so be careful what you say to him. You don't have to provoke him or be disrespectful when talkiing to him - just try and keep your cool when you have an argument.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Avenging Angel | 2004/11/18

How long dit you go on and what did you do and say for him to reach the point??? Maybe you are the hippocrite here and when your little boys onday sit in the position you put your hubby in you may bliksem there wives!!!!! Not all is black and blue ladies.

Reply to Avenging Angel
Posted by: lulu | 2004/11/18

Rubbish! Saying you provoke him to hit you is like saying women with mini skirts ask to be raped. NOTHING justifies him hitting you. If he wants respect, he has to earn it, not bliksem it into you.

He's a bully and a very bad example for your children. You have to speak to someone professional (like POWA) about his threats and about what you should do. First though, you have to stop blaming yourself for his behaviour.

Good luck!

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Zee | 2004/11/18

I think you should sit down with ur hubby and tell him how you feel. All I can say never take a "threat" for granted. The ex once said he will kill me one day and I took him for granted until he pointed it to me some other time and ended up in jail.

He is capable of doing it, if u dont adress it. Honestly, if I were u I would dump him.

Reply to Zee
Posted by: Mona | 2004/11/18

For your part i truely hope that it was just a figure of speech. If he lifts his hand to you once, he will do it again. So if it ever happens, dont hang around to see if he will do it again!

Reply to Mona
Posted by: Leonie | 2004/11/18

are the two of u still inlove, do u still want the marriage, if u r not happy y dont u get out, then in that way u can let him bliksem himself. Y do u think u r provoking, stop making excuses and take action. You have given very little info here, u r the only one who knows your situatio so pls do the write thing ie, getting out or making it work

Reply to Leonie

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