Posted by: ljm | 2009/08/18

Wife' s past abuse

My wife and I have not slept in the same bed for a year or so. She is dealing with her past sexual abuse and has shut me off totally from intimacy. She is currently seeing a pychologist which was meant to be joint, but isn t now. She did see another one last year for 4 months or so. I am not seeing any improvements though, just we argue more, as i am feeling ignored and unloved. Feel like she is keeping secrets from me etc. She calls me paranoid. She has extra passwords and pins on her phone, always has phone by her side, always smses " a Lady"  60 years old from work supposedly, but have doubts.
I do love her, but is getting difficult for me to cope with it all.
When I do lodge concerns she shout and moans that I am paranoid and believe what I want to. I have asked again for joint sessions with her and she went off the handle saying that they not ready for that etc also that I mustn' t e-mail him until she has spoken to him alone. I just feel something else is going on. No-one is helping me with it all. I found this pyschologist to help both of us, now not. Please can some-one help and tell me what I am suppose to do as i just don' t know any more. It is affecting my health and work. No-one seems to take my feeling into account.

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Our expert says:
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As I often point out, there are far too many therapists practising psychoanalytic type therapies, for which there is simply NO good evidence that they are ever really effective, which take ages, cost a fortune, and far too often make problems worse or at least more complex. I NEVER EVER recommend such therapies, and wish such therapists would be refused registration or payment until they read literature published in the last 10 years. give up obsolete and useless methods, and adopt modern and effective methods.

Dealing with past abuse, far too many therapists spend ages digging round in the ancient dirt, which is valueless, rather than dealing with the current assumptions one has formed as a result of such past experiences, and revising these usefully.

In your situation, surely joint sessions would be desirable, and any competent therapist would consider and probably recommend them. It should not require months of "preparation" for joint sessions, maybewith individual sessions continuing at the same time. It is irresponsible for a therapist to engage exclusively with one of a couple, where the relationship is imperilled, and not to deal with the relationship problems, including those actually caused or exacerbated by the therapy.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: ljm | 2009/08/18

On follow up. I have been to the rooms with her all but one session. I can check the med records to see if billing went through, but the last session did not. Which did raise alarm bells as the pychologists bills same time. I still am unsure on where to go to get advise or just really find another to chat to. I am at my ends on not knowing what the right thing to do is.

Reply to ljm
Posted by: Mmmm | 2009/08/18

Everything sounds a bit fishy. Who is paying for the pychologist? Could you check your medical aid records to see if she is indeed seeing a pychologist?

Reply to Mmmm
Posted by: Anonnie | 2009/08/18

You defnitly do love her, but that gives her no right to treat you like that, I think you should just ignore her moods and keep yourself busy to keep your mind of her moods, soon enough she will see you are ignoring her and that her moods are not upsetting you anymore, and she will no longer get a boost out of having you under her thumb. She acts and treats you like that cos she sees she is getting attention out of it, leave her and let her make her own life misruble. I also suffer from depression but i never treated my hubby like that, He stands by me no matter what and i am also seeing a pshycologist, my first four sessions was alone cos the therapist need to find out what is wrong with the patient first then they need the partner to go along for sessions in order for you to understand how to handle her and suport her

About the celphone thing, It does sound suspissios, you need to find out if she is raelly seeing a therapist and not another guy and thats maybe why she does not want you to go along

Good luck

Reply to Anonnie

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