Our expert says:
I firstly want to thank you for your candor, honesty and description of your present situation. It is not often I have men write so honestly and descriptively and I believe that many men who read your description will very definitely identify with your description and also realise that they are not alone in their experience.
You definitely are not the only man out there who feels this way. yes many men do choose other paths of sexual release and expression such as porn and engaging in sexual activity outside of their marriage be it affairs or the patronage of the sex work industry.
What I think I hear you primarily asking is with regards to how to possibly deal with your sexual relationship with your wife. As you have made it clear that a sex therapist is not an option for you I would say your next option is to trust yourself and your wife and your 16 year marriage relationship to take this on with each other.
I would suggest that you have a very open and honest conversation with your wife where you, in a non accusatory manner, describe to her the nature of your sexual needs and how you have found the differences in your sex drive a specific challenge and then how what she had said about about not being a sex machine impacted on you in how it made you feel. Also describe how it impacted on how you starting seeing the times that you did have sex as a couple as her only doing so to keep you happy. Then add how this has impacted on you then not wanting to initiate sex with her.
Include how you still find her attractive and think she is a wonderful wife and would like it to be different and better in your sexual relationship than it has been the last 8 months and you would like her to work with you on it.
Give her an opportunity to then respond and listen to her with an ear that wishes to hear her perspective. Then continue the conversation from there.
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