Posted by: Christiaan | 2009/08/18

Wife and her sex tool.

I'  m 34 yrs of age and married for almost 12 years. Every thing in my marriage is seems to be OK except for the sex part. It is if my wife uses it as a tool to control me, she knows that sex is the only thing short in our marriage and now she blackmails me with it. i.e. My mom stayed with us for a long time and my wife said that if my mom would move out it will be like honeymoon all over. Well my mom moved out 4months back and we did'  nt have sex in that time at all. When I confronted her she says that woman are complicated and does not have a on/off switch, I must help with the houshold chores and treat her like a queen - then only will she participate in having sex with me. So I buy her fresh flowers every week, do cooking and help with the kids etc but still no sex. The thing is that I love her dearly but hel I'  m a man with needs. I had sex twice this year so far. Whoopi! I'  m thinking of cheating on her and go and seek some relief elsewhere. Is this unfair of me?

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Our expert says:
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The average frequency for sexual activity in a long term relationship is 1ce or 2ce a week, so your experience must be difficult (but rest assured you are not alone either!). It is quite common that in the beginning of relationship women may have a greater interest in sex and possibly be less inhibited in sex than her 'default' position would be. This is due to chemicals in the brain which are released in the beginning of a relationship - amongst other things they result in slightly higher testosterone levels in women which may account for higher sex drive. Unfortunately due to a cruel trick of nature these changes are temporary and after a while (between 6months - 4 years) she returns to a more 'normal level'. What this means, is that sexual desire is rarely felt as a hunger/priority for her and so in order to BE sexual she will have to prioritise it and try to help herself to be more receptive. If she doesn’t know HOW to do this, or doesn’t WANT to (as in times when she is angry/uncomfortable), then she is not likely to be receptive as she may feel ‘used’.

I’m sure you must at times feel ‘used’ and short-changed, so your best bet is to discuss this with her (NOT IN A FIGHT!). When it comes to discussing the differences in sexual needs I always encourage both partners to be willing to understand what it is like for the other partner and then come to some middle ground / a negotiated compromise. In other words she needs to know that your libido is higher - and this is normal - as is it normal that hers is lower. Therefore there is a necessary tension which needs to be addressed. There are things you can do to show her that you understand that she feels that you see her as only being good for sex - the most obvious of which is - tell her more about the other things that you appreciate about her. Also don't go for the sexual organs (i.e. breasts, bottom, vulva) when you hold her in a non-sexual situation (e.g. first thing in bed, when she's washing up or doing something), and don't tell her how sexy she is in a non-sexual situation - tell her more about how attractive/beautiful/gorgeous she is etc rather than 'sexual descriptions'. This is not necessarily a rejection, although you are not alone in feeling this way, it's more about her own de-prioritisation of sex which then means that you are requesting something which she doesn't feel able to give more of.

Many women begin to feel resentful if they feel they HAVE to have sex - and that reduces their sexual interest; she may in fact begin to avoid affection and other intimacy because she's afraid it'll lead to sex. The best way forward is to drop the expectation, and go with the flow more. Talk to her about this so she knows she can relax a bit. She probably knows that you have a higher sex drive than she does, so maybe talk about ways that this can be met when she's not desiring it (a useful way of talking about it is like other sexual appetites - I'm hungry, you're not, would you mind making me a sandwich or should I make myself one?). If it ends up with you 'making yourself one' (i.e. masturbating) more often than not, this also needs to be addressed as she could drive her response a little more to meet some of your needs.
Whatever you do, don’t have an affair if you want the relationship to work – affairs do so much damage and you end up being the one blamed for problems in the marriage later. Tell her how desperate you are and ask for her assistance to solve this problem.

Claire from SASHA (

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Ja | 2009/08/19

When you first meet a girl and you are attracted to each other the sex is frequent, mostly MANY times every day.
When you get married, you have to work at it. Dishes, flowers, garden, sweet words etc. etc. Beg, beg, beg.
Then one day, you walk into a club and get loads of attention. A ' lay'  at your fingertips. All you have to do is take it.
My question is this: Why the hell do us guys even bother getting married if this is whats going to happen?
The 2X/Week everage is only that because thats all we are allowed after the wife gts sick of all the begging!

I for one cant understand why wedding cake has this effect on you girls!?!??!

Reply to Ja
Posted by: Rob | 2009/08/18

If you love her that much and don' t wanna loose her then get a side action that will get the tension off and all will be good. its clear that she is either cheating on you or prefer toys over you so consider yourself this time coz it seems as if you tried it all.

Reply to Rob
Posted by: Joyce | 2009/08/18

Sorry to hear that. Maybe you should try taking her to a different environment like a weekend away and see if that doesnt work. Try talking to her more. Make her understand that as much as she might not be crazy about sex, you are crazy about it and that there has to be some sort of compromise to keep both of you happy.

Reply to Joyce

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