Posted by: Sukie | 2007/08/03

Why is my mother like this?

My mother is a pain. She tried to ruin my wedding by not attending (for stupid reasons I assure you). When my Dad passed I helped her sort out all the policies etc etc and what thanks do I get...Attitude of course! I told her to try and find things out for herself and she gets fed up threatening to sell her house etc. I know she is upset but I mean come on! She refuses to help herself (she is only 55) and just sits back expecting everything to be done for her.She always twists things around and makes as if she is never to blame. The scary thing is sometimes I catch myself doing or saying things she says. I really don't want to be like her. Any advice CS besides telling her to go to hell? Thanks

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Our expert says:
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I wonder what's really going on on her side ? Some women, especially of that generation, have become so used to their husband dealing with all financial matters, that they panic when after his death they have to deal with such things. Telling her to go to hell may be tempting, but she'd probably expect you to go with her
Maria, I keep meaning to procrastinate like my dad, but somehow I keep putting that off....

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Posted by: Sukie | 2007/08/03

Thanks Maria - thats exactly how it is. Our behaviours are what we were brought up with and boy is it hard to change them but I definatley don't want to be selfish and spiteful.

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Posted by: Maria | 2007/08/03

Isn't it scary how often we say things like "I will never be as negative as my mom is" or "My dad always procrastinates and I won't be like that" only to find ourselves re-enacting the behaviour patterns we grew up with? This way of coping was burn into our brains, but knowing that you want to be different and being aware of your behaviour is a very good start.

I think the best thing you can do is to protect yourself by keeping a distance from your mom. If you want to then help her, but make it clear exactly what you are willing to do and then back off.

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