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Question
Posted by: WX | 2006/07/28

Why don't I have a boyfriend?

Hi. I'm 24yrs old. I think I'm good looking. I'm intellegent, have a good sense of humour and generally a good person. My problem is that I've only ever had one boyfriend and that was 3yrs ago! He was the only guy I was ever sexually active with. I just don't understand what it is about me that doesn't attract guys. I almost never get hit-on either. I don't do one-night-stands or the casual thing, so I literally haven't had sex (of any kind) in 3yrs. So, at this point in my life I'm pretty lonely and VERY sexually frustrated. Up until a short while ago I had convinced myself that it didn't bother me, but I now realise that it's becomming quite an issue. I'm not totally out of the closet and basically all of my closest friends are straight, so maybe that might be a problem? That I don't really meet new people. I just don't want this to become an obsession, but at the same time I also don't want to get so desperate that I'll do things that I'll regret later? What should I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi WX, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting.

The problem could well be that you're not meeting the right people. No matter how attractive or appealing a product is it won't sell unless it is placed where the consumer is likely to find it. You're trying to market yourself as a gay man but you're branded as straight (you're not out) and while you're sitting on a small shelf in Straightville your unlikely to experience getting into the rights man's basket.

You're not having sex and you're also lonely - it really does sound as if you need to get out there and make a concerted effort to meet more people, especially gay guys. Going to gay spaces doesn't mean that you have to alter your values or morals, and you don't have to start having one-night stands. Don't wait for someone to hit on you - if you want to meet someone, or if you find someone interesting or attractive, make an effort to get to know them. It could well be that you're avoiding sex or intimacy so if you object to one-night stands you may want to decide at what point it is OK to have sex - after the first date, after the tenth? Not everyone is only out for sex, most single people are hoping for a relationship but you need to decide for yourself at what point your OK with sex - what factors determine your level of comfort? Be prepared to kiss a few frogs before you meet Mr Right. And start following a basic principle of marketing - with the right branding in the right place and at the right price (not selling yourself short but also not waiting for Adonis himself) you're more likely to experience success.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kevin | 2006/08/01

Very interesting points you made there StilleWaters.

Let me just say I'll have to contemplate deeply to figure this all out...

Reply to Kevin
Posted by: Stille Waters | 2006/08/01

Hey guys, me again

I agree 100% with Deeves. By coming out is when u actually realize who your true friends are, cos true friends accept u for u you are now matter what, and support you.

I went up till the stage where I told some of my family members, and I am lucky enough to gain their support as well, except for my parents. They do not except it AT ALL, and they don’t want me to mingle with the gays, cos they influenced me and warra warra warre, but I am 2 true to my friends and make plans to c them even if I lie to my parents, which I know is wrong, but in this century your friends (true friends I mean), are your greatest support group.

Oh I wish u guys were in PTA, so that I can take u to one of the clubs and introduce u to some people, just to get a bit into the scene.

But I have another suggestion; maybe you have a great girl as a friend whom u can trust, no matter what. Ask her to go with u to a gay bar or club, or something. Go and see how it is and maybe begin to chat with someone, or let the girl start the chat. Tell her u just want to see what the scene is like. Your other friends do not even have to know, and make her not to tell the others.

Like Deeves said, some guys don’t like to date someone that is still in the closet, and that can turn into a difficult situation. There I was lucky, cos the guy I dated was also like me still in the closet 3 years back. But when I fell out of the closet with a bang, some doors in the gay community started to open up and I made very good and true friends, that guy is still in the closet and he struggles a lot, cos he does not have the support from the gay community.

You will also notice that, yes just like in the straight community, some gays also dislike each other and bitch each other, but when they have to support a cause, we all stand and unite together and put the bad things behind us for a while.

I know a lot I said does not relate to your question, but I like to give my thoughts, just understand things better.

Have a fab day skatties =o)

Reply to Stille Waters
Posted by: Kevin | 2006/07/31

Looks like Wx and myself are looking at the wrong places at the wrong times - that includes looking while hiding. For some of us it's just very harder I guess. Maybe we should continue talking about this...

Thanks to Deeves, StilleWaters and the Expert for responding .

Reply to Kevin
Posted by: Deeve | 2006/07/31

Very interesting situations.... I would just like to comment on Kevin's second last paragraph - not comming out to his straight friends, as they have 'talked and made fun of people like us'.
Sadly, most of us have been through this stage in our 'coming out'. You really have to deal with this sooner or later - in your own time though. But please remember, the longer you take, the longer your life tends to waste away. It is VERY difficult trying to live 'the life', if you are constantly hiding from people. Unfortunately, in my case, I lost most of my straight friends - but you know what - I figured very quickly how I had been duped all these years and I don't miss them at all !!!! And yes, people will sometimes comment, stare etc - but this is all about YOUR happiness, just another reason why you need to deal with the things that are holding you all back. Another issue - many fellows hesitate dating someone that is in the closet - your insecurities end up being theirs too, if you get my drift. Coming out to many of us was the biggest 'non event' ever!!
Please don't change for anyone - just do as the Expert says - go out and look for life - it is there, and you will find it - sometimes it just takes a little more time. Best wishes

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: stille_waters | 2006/07/30

Hey WX and Kevin

Hey guys, I can also identify myself with you. I am also a 23 year old gay guy and live in PTA. I almost go to gay clubs every weekend and 90% of my friends are gay. One specific club I go to, everyone loves me to bits, this I know for a fact. As I am always entertaining after a shooter or 2.

But after ‘n fab social evening I go home alone. Yes there was one or 2 times I kissed guys, but they want more than that, and I am also not the one-nightstand type. And I have noticed that the majority of gays are mostly afraid to commit to a relationship even if it is just short term.

I see a lot of things happening at this specific club and guys who is cheating on their partners, and know what’s going on in most of my friends relationships as they always come to me for advise and stuff.

At the end most of my friends have this gorgeous and sweet boyfriends, but only for a short while, then they get bored with them.

Like u WX, I had also a relationship 3 years ago and intimate sex with only this guy. I don’t know, maybe I am too afraid to get hurt or something. But I sometimes also want to just even cuddle with someone, but no interest in only that from the other party.

I also tried to accept the fact of being single and put up with the frustration, with it bothers me a lot.

So I see it like this, maybe we are the ones, that if we meet that person, we are committed 200% in that relationship, and that maybe turn out to be the kind of two persons getting old together, where the others still fall from one relationship to the other.

So see, u don’t have to change yourself to fit the ‘criteria’, even me that are spontaneous sometimes, have the same problem. Never change yourself to please others, u are who u are, if they can’t accept it they should bugger off. Like I always say, I am what I am, what u c is what u get, take it or leave it.

If u would like to chat more about this, let me know through this forum and I will send my details to u.

Keep well and good luck :-)

Reply to stille_waters
Posted by: Kevin | 2006/07/28

Dear WX. I have never come across (also in the last 3years) someone that was 100% "just like me". then suddenly I read your post and realise I am not alone out there.

I ask the same questions as you do and don't think i'm THAT bad looking - but in the last few years and even just today, I have had some people tell me the same thing over and over even without me realising it - the one guy told me that I am actually too nice, he wants someone that is VERY outgoing, not shy and very spontanious... I can be all of that, but everything has it's place and time. (or so I was tought). Some very alarming things have happened to me in the past few years, three of my gay friends got hiv whilst being that very outgoing, one of them died in a car accident while being drunk and a million other things. Now my point is, if so many guys told me that I'm actually boring, howcome I should force a change to be outgoing and spontanious just to get someone to like me? considering what happened to my other friends, I don't think I want that kind of life.

With all these talk my point is actually this; just be yourself and do what your heart tells you, I am also very frustrated, but more to the fact that I was told I'm useless and boring and that because I know I am actally doing the right thing.

All of my closest friends are also straight, they don't know about me, and they never will as I have heard them talk and made fun of people like us - which is sad but I understand why they feel that way.

I know my post won't actually solve your problem, I have no clue what to do as we are in exacly the same boat seating next to eachother. Let's hope the expert can give some advice.

Good luck to us, Wx.

Reply to Kevin

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