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Question
Posted by: wound tight | 2007/08/08

why don't he want me

First of all, I am in a wonderful relationship with my bf. But it seems I have much stronger desire to have sex than he does. He says I'm not agressive but he has rejected me enough times that it feels better to masterbate than to take a chance of feeling rejected. We have been under stress and I understand that can affect sexual desire. I thought maybe his drive was down, but then realized that he would watch porn while I was away. That made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and I couldn't excite him.
He was watching a lot of porn videos, so I made him one of myself masterbating. He really liked it, and it felt good to know that I could turn him on. But that only worked for one day. He searched out vaginal pictures on the internet, so I took naughty pictures of myself for him. I just feel like nothing I try works, and I am becomming sexually frustrated. It's not so much that I want the sex, as I want the emotions, the connection. I fear that we are creating a distance between us and I don't know what to do.
I do whatever he wants me to in bed, maybe that's the problem. Maybe I should play hard to get. It seems at times when I'm in the mood I have to deal with it myself, but when he's in the mood, (even if I'm not) I just take it when I get it. He's not a selfish lover. He always takes care of me when we do it, but I wish I knew how to get him in the mood more. We communicate well, and I have expressed how I feel, but then he says it should come natural, and when I talk about it he feels he is under a microscope. I think that it should be natural for him to want me. What can I do.........any advice????

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

We differ in the extent and strength of our inheren sexual desire ; and stress affects us differently --- some yearn for more sex, as a form of natural tranquilizer, some her turned off by stress. Your efforts to enter his fantasy world are interesting, but seemingly failing, as he retreats to porn and images to avoid actual personal relationship, so portraying yourself in the same way doesn't encourage him to actually relate to you. He seems, as many do, to be using porn as an avoidance of actual sexual relationships, rather than as part of them. You may be trying too hard, perhaps seeming so needy that he feels more inadequate to meet those needs. Porn has the advantage of making no demands whatever on the observer.
John's observations are characteritically thoughtful and helpful.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: wt | 2007/08/09

john,
I hope you are right. He started a new job today and seemed very excited about it. Hopefully I too will soon be seeing a little more excitement....u think?????

Reply to wt
Posted by: John | 2007/08/08

W Tight, perhaps, then, this is all related to him being unemployed. Men are funny that way, some tend to couple the masculinity - and therefore their virility - to their employ-ability. I understand, really I do, the many and varied benefits of a good bonk, but, as your experience is showing you, perhaps we need a little perspective on it all.

Support him in his quest for another job - chances are that when he starts working he'll be back in the saddle with a vengeance!

Reply to John
Posted by: wound tight | 2007/08/08

john,
what i mean is yes, i m sexually frustrated, and I take care of that by masterbation, what I miss is the intimacy. I can get my rocks off anytime, but I would prefer the sharing it with my partner. It is better when we can enjoy each other, not just me enjoying myself. does that clear up the confusion??? Also, there is a difference between loveless sex and sexless love. There are emotions connected with physical sex. Oxytocin is a chemical produced in the brain to promote feelings of connection and love. It is produced during sex, therefore, I crave the pleasures of sex, the orgasm and the emotion!!! I am clear on what I want. Thank you for your reply. I'm not trying to take the place of his porn. I just try to do things that might excite him. When I do those things, he thinks it's sexy, but I feel like I have to keep doing things to remind him that I am sexy and do enjoy and crave sex with him. I accept the fact that stress might lower his sex drive. But I wonder what sense it makes when I'm masturbating in the shower while he's dirty diggin on the internet, when we could be together. Could it be that he feels a failure to me in other aspect in our life, such as not having a secure income, that he fears letting me down in the bedroom as well?? I know he feels bad, but I always reassure him that I am proud of him and love him, and that monetary things are not what I need from him. he says he doesn't feel like much of a man because he is not able to financially support me now between jobs. I just want to know to let him know that he can show me he is the man in the bedroom??!!! without having pressure to want to please me?

Reply to wound tight
Posted by: John | 2007/08/08

I, too, am a little confused. You say you are sexually frustrated but its not the sex you want its the intimacy? Physical pleasure from sex is obviously different from an emotional connection - the two are not necessarily tied to each other, ask any bondage practitioner - but you must be clear in your own mind which of the two you want or need.

Forget about competing with your own nudie pics with the chicks on the internet - you'll be punching way out of your class here, simply in terms of variety and unending supply of 'different'. In a sense, its almost as if you want to occupy top-of-mind position when it comes to sex in your man's mind and, as attractive as you may be, this is neither possible nor desirable. Like you, your man has personal and private fantasies that may fuel his drive. Leave him be to watch his porn or oggle the internet chicks. You are real and, in that, you have a winning position every time over the porno chicks.

Try not to link everything to sex. Set aside time to simply be with him - watch TV together, sit in companionable (huh?) silence reading together, enjoy a meal together - all of these can be intimate without having to have any heavy breathing added to it.

Too much pressure for sex every ten to six can have the opposite effect: your man may wilt under pressure and then prefer to enjoy the non-pressurising pleasure of porno where participation is optional but pleasure is guaranteed.

Perhaps, without regimenting it, you can have a 'date' night where sex is expected and, in so doing, is eagerly anticipated? Some may find this to be clinical but it does allow for build-up, for preparation and for.................anticipation. You can then also ensure that your phones are off, the cutains drawn, the music just-so and bed warm and comfy - or the kitchen table, should you so desire!

Reply to John

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