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Question
Posted by: Estie | 2003/01/24

Why does men prefer porno to the real thing?

Hi All

I'm confused, and a very sexually frustrated woman. My husband of 11 years preferes porn and stripshows above me and my body. I have a mirror that's telling me that there is nothing wrong with my body, I like to spoil him, I love our house and garden and do all the things my mother told me that a man wants in a wife, and to top it all I enjoy it. I have a wonderful job, and take care of myself. Weekends you will find him at Teasers, as well as Wednesday's, and during the week it is porn movies and books. We have a very dull sexlife, which is very surprising, because he gets all the tips in the world from his "activities". And if I try something different in bed, he would ask what is wrong with me. He does not believe in (what my mother told me before we got married) A lady by day and a hore by night. I feel neglegted and unwanted, because he can have all that and more (what he sees in he's material) if he only let it go. And invite myself to join in his fun? Yes, done that, he just ask me to leave. Masturbation is my only "fantasy", and quite frankly I am fed-up with it after all these years. I need a man inside me, not a piece of plastic. If he knew I was satisfying myself he would explode. What is the reason for his behavior? I am going to see a shrink next week, I need to know why. Can the guys in this forum please explain what it is in porn that guys like/want so much! I want to start with babies, but I can not bring my children up with all these things going on.... and with all that...... how am I going to fall pregnant when we have sex 2 times a month?
Thanx!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

One man I asked about this said that most men who look at porno magazines or watch a movie every now and then do so because it's like a little slice of something they cannot have. He drew a parallel between men looking at porn and men looking longingly at exotic or top-of-the-line cars and trucks. "You know you can't have it, but you still like looking and fantasizing about it."

Another aspect of some men's interest in pornography stems from childhood, looking at girlie magazines is something boys are usually forbidden to do from the get-go by their parents, teachers, and society in general. "Men like to push the envelope," and "We looked at these things before we knew we had penises, but knew well enough we weren't supposed to be looking." That's where it starts for a lot of men, and they never seem to outgrow it.

Then, of course, there's the sexual arousal aspect of pornography. A lot of men (and women) are turned on by looking at nude pictures and sexually explicit movies. This doesn't mean that's the only thing that turns them on, and it may not even be in the same way that they are aroused by their partners. It's just one facet of a person's sexuality, as are fetishes and other fantasies. Perhaps you could think about exploring your own fantasy world (if you haven't already). A good place to start might be with Nancy Friday's book, My Secret Garden.

Many men don't realise that their partners would be offended and hurt by their actions. Yet, many women, like yourself, wonder what the attraction is. The answer lies somewhere in the middle, your husband's curiosity is probably just that, a curiosity , and not a reflection on how he feels about you. Your feelings are certainly valid and need to be respected. On the other hand, his feelings deserve respect, too. Maybe there's some way you could incorporate this pornography thing into your relationsh ip; of course, only if that is something that you'd like to try.

Maybe it will be a good thing I you told your husband how you feel. Have you asked him how he feels? I think you're on the right track by voicing your thoughts and feelings with your husband. The next step may be to explore this realm of his, and your, sexuality . With the help of a counsellor or therapist you might just resolve many issues

Good luck
Dr Elna Mcintosh






The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: me | 2003/01/27

Please leave this guy! You must be so hurt by this.
Move on and make your life great!

Reply to me
Posted by: curly | 2003/01/25

Estie-
I know you were looking for answers from men, but I really wanted to say something. Your husband behaves like this because he wants to, also, so far anyway, he can. He has you waiting whenever he wants and he can do as he wants the rest of the time. I don't understand why you value your feelings so far below his. He can openly participate in all kinds of things he finds sexually stimulating, but he would be angry with you for masturbating? Please!!!! Tell me that you are putting up with that. This is truly one of the most selfish things one can do their partner. By his actions he has been clearly telling you what matters to him. You just aren't listening. I feel very sorry that you have been in this kind of pain for this long, but you don't need to be. Yes, of course this is grounds for divorce. I don't advocate divorce normally, in fact I'm usually quite opposed but this isn't just about sex, it's respect. You want children you said. Can you honestly picture raising children with this man? Children never make a bad relationship better, they make your whole life more complicated. They are worth it. Never pick a man over having children. That is far too much to give up. I'm not talking about infertility, I'm not talking about impotence. I am saying that when a man clearly cares nothing for your happiness and satisfaction and refuses to admit there's a problem or seek a solution, it's time to go. I don't know if you follow a particular religion, but even most religions permit divorce for sexual immorality. I can't think of anything more immoral than denying you sex and then spending his time fulfilling his sexual needs completely without you. Good luck and I hope you can find happiness.

Reply to curly
Posted by: Lancelot | 2003/01/24

Many men cannot help but like porn. If a man is alone in a room with a girlie mag (i.e. there is no one to judge him/make him feel embarrassed) he will almost definitely look at the contents. It is like putting a jar of sweets in front of a small child. I have found that porn is highly addictive and if it becomes an addiction it can become destructive - which seems to the case with your husband.

Personally though I cannot understand why he shuns physical contact with you. Most men would love to be married to someone who is a 'lady by day, whore by night'. In the days when I used to look at porn it improved my sex life (at least from desire to have sex point of view). Watching porn/erotic movies together is also a big turn-on for most men so I have no idea why he didn't go for that one - especially from the point of view of wanting to re-enact scenes, etc. in real life.

So far as strip clubs go... I know married men who go to strip clubs claim that their wives like it because they come back incredibly horny. However, if I was a women I would have a far bigger problem with my partner going to a strip club than watching porn. Personally I find strip clubs depressing (i.e. seeing married, balding, fat, middle-aged and generally undesirable men having to pay money for affection/attention is demeaning and pathetic).

I remember a scene in a movie (can't remember which one but it was a gangster/mafia film) where someone asks the mob boss why he needs a mistress if he has such a beautiful wife. The mob boss replies that he needs a mistress to get blowjobs. To which the question is asked, "Why don't you just get blowjobs from your wife?" The mob boss looks disgusted and says, "Those are the lips that kiss my children goodnight!".

You said that don't have kids, but the same principle could apply. Maybe he doesn't want to get down and dirty with you because of the ideals/principles he has in his mind about how a wife should behave. Are you sure he does not have a mistress? I'm not trying to cause sh1t or put doubts in your mind but I know that if I was looking a porn all day I would be wanting to park the pink Cadillac in the furry garage a lot more than twice a month.

To try to explain the overall issue of porn… As a man, it is almost impossible to not get turned on by looking at porn. However the decision to look at porn is a conscious one and there are obviously those who chose not to look at porn for any number of reasons. But there are definitely more men who will not actively seek out porn to look at but if it’s there/readily available they cannot help but look. In the same way there are very few people who wouldn’t enjoy (the effects of) getting high on cocaine – but there are a number of reasons why most choose to abstain.

I think many females have the misconception that men look at porn (or naked pictures – which is not porn but erotica) are comparing the ‘models’ to them. I think the number one reason men look at porn is because it makes you horny and it feels good (this probably does go back to adolescent masturbation sessions). If you are single, have no moral hang-ups and it is not an addiction that is effecting your life then there is no problem. If you are in a relationship it is up to the rules of that relationship to determine what is and is not allowed.

Reply to Lancelot
Posted by: Estie | 2003/01/24

Mr-Tee,

Thank you for your reply.... but if what you are saying is true, I have a huge problem on my hands. Come to think of it, when I talk about he's "adventures" infront of other people he will stand up and walk out, or he will make a joke out of it. He does not want anybody to know. I need to help him, but don't know where to start. I want to help him, he is my husband. But he will never go for help, I did try once, and he said I must go, and learn to cope with what he is doing.

Thank you again.

Reply to Estie
Posted by: Estie | 2003/01/24

ME2.

Thank you very much for you very intelegent and uplifting answer. I'm sure, all married couples can benifit from your wisdom. You must realy think of a career in councelling or something, just make sure that the people you councel are worse of than you, which I do not believe is possible.

Best of luck for the future, you will be in my thoughts.

Reply to Estie
Posted by: Mr -Tee | 2003/01/24

the problem is not with you but with your husband . I am afraid he,ve got some seriuos issues to sort out. The mere fact that he say he don,t know is an indication that he knows exactly what the problem is he is just not interested to share it with you because he knows it is something that he cannot get from you. What he wants he cant get from you or any other woman. If he had to be married to another woman he would have treated her the same way. That man have got some dark secrets he,ve got hiding away somewhere. I sympathise with you because you sound like somebody who will make any normal man very,very happy.

ps. People who like porno are wnkers because thyat is all you can do by looking at a picture, you cant touch it you cant taste you can do nothingelse with it except frustrate yourself.

Reply to Mr -Tee
Posted by: ME2 | 2003/01/24

I like porno, more than the real thing! They do not bitch, get fat after the first child, they always look good, they give you what you want, and much more!
Estie, you must live with it or go girl, he will never stop, ask me I know. You must have done something that pissed him off, I can not see that he will stop bonking you after 2 years if there is nothing wrong with you. Make friends with Big D, maybe he can help you. Get a life of your own, and stop bitching, we love it.

Reply to ME2
Posted by: Estie | 2003/01/24

Thank you for your reply's, Doc, Maggie and Shakes. I have had plenty of conversations with him, and asked him what can I do to make him want me, and what am I doing wrong.... hes answer each time....... NOTHING. And if i ask him why he needs porno, and what it gives him that I cant..... he's answer....... He does not know! I will have sex every day, as many times as possible, and he knows it. I'm very affectionate, and at 31 I have heard and read only about different styles, methods etc, but have never experienced it before. I'm at a crossroad in my life now, but devorce is not an option, is it? Only because I do not get sex from him? Is that not a little childish? "Honey, I want a divorce,because you do not give me sex"...... Our relationship is actually very strong in other areas, we were good friends before we got married. We fell inlove and for 2 years it was a fairytale relationship! I don't know what to do! I'm willing to compramise, I just want to make love to him like normal couples do!

Reply to Estie
Posted by: Shakes | 2003/01/24

Thats telling him,Estie & Maggie. It's because of guy's like Big D that us other guy's get a bad name. Estie your husband don't know what he's missing, let's hope he'll come around to get and enjoy you.

Reply to Shakes
Posted by: Maggie | 2003/01/24

LOL !!!! You tell him Estie. Big D, get a life !

Reply to Maggie
Posted by: Estie | 2003/01/24

Big D

And cheeting on him is not an option.
Thank you but NO thank you. One "pervert" is more than I can handle thank you! I do not appreciate your answer, what must I do with you?
And... if you can not give advice or answers, why take up space which some decent people could use.


Reply to Estie
Posted by: Bid D | 2003/01/24

The only way I can think of to help you, is to meet you somewhere private and bang the living daylights out of you. No seriously, I hear what you're saying and it must be so frustrating to want sex and not get it. But I really don't have the answers you're looking for...... maybe we SHOULD meet???..

Reply to Bid D

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