Posted by: Confused | 2004/02/23

Why does love hurt so much?

I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago but we have been fighting with each other for 2 months. He was the most important person in my life. But he changed so dramatcially. When we first started this fight, he started to ingore me. When I phoned he would not answer, he never phoned to talk to me or see how I am. I did not spend Christmas with me (Christmas day was also our one year engagement anniversary). He did not even get me anything for Christmas. He did not spend New Years with me. So I had to spend it with a friend. We tried to sort things out and I went home for a week. During this week, he told me that he started taking and dealing in drugs. He said that he did not want to be close to me anymore. He started crying and said that he did not have feelings for me anymore. He wanted to work things out but he also did not want to work it out either. While I was at home for that week, he never came home once. He came home at 6am, bath and then leave until the next day. We spent the enitre weekend away from me. Then I had to take off work because of depression and he never phoned to see if I was ok and he left without even checking if there was food in the house for me to eat. And when I would cry then he would tell me to shut up or I must go sleep in the lounge. If I asked him anything, then he would scream at me and would say that it won't work coz I keep on carrying on with my rubbish. I love this guy so much and he has never ever done any of the stuff above until 2 months ago. I don't understand how he could have changed after 3 years of being together. I keep thinking that I did something to make him hate me so much. I don't think I will take him back because of the hurt he has cause me but whenever I think of all the ugly things he has done to me, it makes me feel really inferior and the hurt comes back again and I can't help but crying. We have been apart for a month but the hurt is still there and it hurts like hell. I really do love this guy but I can't take being hurt again. Can you suggest any advise and maybe some councellors that I can go to so I can try and get rid of all the stuff going on in my head. He really messed up my mind and played mind games with me. I am depressed, please help me.

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Our expert says:
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Dear Confused,
If it doesn't hurt, it isn't love. let me clarify. Love itself doesn't hurt, as such. But it involves such a strong attachment to someone else, such a vulnerability, that the ending of such a relationship inevitably hurts. If ending it doesn't really hurt, then it wasn't much of a relationship. Now, one need no allow oneself to be overwhelmed by the hurt, and one can grow through the experience and become usefully stronger, especially with counselling.
But yes, do see a counsellor to work out all these confusing issues and conflicting feelings. From the sound of it, you did nothing wrong, but he has fallen in love with drugs, instead. And you absolutely do NOT need a drug addict and drug dealer as a boyfriend--- that could bring you nothing except grief.
Indeed, if he is now involved in that scene, things were most probably NOT all that perfect until a couple of months ago, but he hid the imperfections from you.
You deserve someone far, far, better than this guy, but you won't find them until you let go of this drug-pickled loser.

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Our users say:
Posted by: guy | 2004/02/23

" anyone who makes you cry is not worth the tears because people who love you dan't make you cry"

it took me 2 years to get over my ex and now I look back and laugh at her I have a new relationship only diff is that now I know what I want.

this oak is an asshole forget him

Reply to guy
Posted by: no! no! no! | 2004/02/23

If it hurts it isn't love-why doesn't anyone understand that? Love is not supposed to hurt! Plz-go & see a councellor by all means-you do need to work through your feelings-& cut all contact with that bastard. He doesn't seem to care cause he is too wrapped up in his drugs. AND If you go back to him after this & he does the same thing-plz don't come back here looking for sympathy. Yes thats harsh but the TRUTH is, that if you go back to him-he will think its ok to act like this & he WILL do it again & again & again. Don't you think you deserve better? Let me guess-you came from a family where the father was absent physically or emotionally-so every relationship you get into you hold onto no matter what & ask yourself why am I not good enough? Why did he leave me? When the truth is you went in expecting to change him & heal him & only he can do that-its NOT your responsibility-FUGHIM. Let him suffer-its not your problem! Ok? I HAVE been through this-we went out for four years, he did drugs, beat me & then said 'Sorry, I will give it up..I love you-Plz don't leave me" Blah blah & I fell for it until last year when he did it again. Well I had had enough, I got out my pepper spray, sprayed him in the face, locked him in the bedroom, called the police & busted his ass. He was in jail for 6 months-he came out as mad as hell at me, but 2 months later-suddenly he wanted me back-he cried for 3 hours on the phone telling me how he has changed & he is sorry & he misses me-I only had one word to say to him, I said "NO" & then I hung up. He has tried again-showed up drunk at my house begging & crying. I don't care. How many times did I cry? How many times was I hurt & needed him to be there for me? How many times did he choose drugs over me? So I chose me over him.
Nothing is more important than your own peace of mind.

Reply to no! no! no!
Posted by: Confused | 2004/02/23

It hurts so bad because everything was perfect until 2 months ago. Now I don't know him anymore. It hurts badly coz he makes me feel that if he can't love me anymore, then nobody will love me. I tried suicide and my mom came to the rescue. I took anti-depressants and it works to a certain extent. I was on Prozac. It takes your mind off of things but does not take away the pain or emptiness. He says that he loves me and still wants to be 2getha but he needs time. He has had 2 months of sace and waiting for his answer makes me more anxious. My mind is on a rollercoaster coz one minute I want to forgive and forget all the hurt he has caused and long to have him back but then the next minute I hate him for ever loving me and then ripping out my heart and making me feel the way I have for the past 2 months. I have lost 10kgs in a month and I have nightmares every single night. I dream that he is being nasty to me. Then I wake up feeling even worse. I just think I need to see a councelor to help me get rid of this anger and hurt and help me to get on with my life.

Reply to Confused
Posted by: ellie | 2004/02/23

I can relate. Read mine and you will see im inna same position.
The pain is unbareable. It seems that you just want to die.

Reply to ellie

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