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Question
Posted by: Unhappy | 2007/05/16

Why does he do this?

Sorry, dunno what went wrong there ........anyway he will never stand up for me or take my side - he is always telling me that I am a bitch and I cannot handle it anymore. He is very selfish too and only thinks of himself and his family. He had a hissy fit last night again as I tried to reach him seven times yesterday morning on his cellphone (it was before he was to take my son to the dentist). He screamed at me and told me that he does not have to carry his phone around 24/7, yet when his mommy phones him at 5h30 in the morning 'cos her printer does not work, he is in and out the shower like a shot and practically runs to her flat to help her. It really pisses me off - he is 35 years old and his family treat him like a handy-man and he is too damned stupid to realise it. When they phone, he drops what he is doing and runs off to help them. They will pitch up at my house as 23h00 to fetch a trailer (we are all in bed that time and everything is locked up for the night etc.) and when I get upset about it, he gets pissed off with me and tells me that it's no big issue - to me it's a major issue when his brother who is an estate agent who works from home cannot do things like this during that day, but will inconvenience us at all hours of the night! I just cannot take it anymore, they pitch up at my house when they want, they have something to eat and then they leave again! And to his family the words PLEASE and THANK YOU are swearwords - they never use them! I have just had it with the lot of them. I am losing all my respect for my husband and I am starting to wonder whether I feel anything for him!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Unless he will agree to join you in marriage counselling, maybe a trial sepaation could be fruitful ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Unhappy | 2007/05/17

Thanks for your input folks!! I know for a fact that he is in the wrong and he will never admit to it - I am at the stage in my life where I don't feel like having shite anymore - not with him or his family. He just does not seem to understand what my problem is with them always barging in at inopportune times, him always being at their beck and call. He has 3 other brothers who are more than capable of assisting, but they don't they just stand on the sidelines and wait for him to do everything - I have had it with all of this. I am so unhappy in my marriage and in my job and it's all getting too much for me to bear! When I try to talk to him, he turns it around so that it looks like I am the problem - transferral of blame I think it is called! Anyway, I will wait and see how things pan out - I am ready to leave him as I know he will never change and will NEVER take my side as far as his family is concerned. His parents are ready to retire to Jeffreys Bay, but have made NO provision for their old age - so guess what - they are leaving it up to their 4 sons to find a way for them to make a living when they move! Can you believe it?? There was talk of borrowing a very large sum of money from a bank to buy a truck for a transport business and to use our properties as security- when I voiced my concern and disapproval, I was once again referred to as "the bitch daughter-in-law from hell" - I told my husband in no uncertain terms that I would NEVER consent to something like that and that he would not use my home as security because his parents never made provision for their old age. They fly down to the Cape 4 or 5 times a year to go on holiday, go on wild spending sprees and buy crap, but now their sons and daughters-in-law must find a way to support them when they move. To hell with it!! I am sure there are many people out there that will agree with me on this one!!! It is not our responsibility to support them - we have our own families to support!!

Reply to Unhappy
Posted by: JP | 2007/05/16

I only read your original posting after I replied the above. Just on him saying you need help and all. Looking at your situation he is in the wrong there. I'm guilty that I also said to my fiancy that she needs help. But I had good reasons, and I NEVER said to her she is a kak mens! I went with her to the shrink, and we are both seeing him! The difference here is, I said she needs help, and that I will stand by her. Your hubby is NOT willing to walk the way with you!!!!

Reply to JP
Posted by: JP | 2007/05/16

Sorry to burst the bubble here. But what you said sound like my relationship aswell! Only difference is, i'm the man that gets accused of being like your hubby. AND I"M NOT!! We have had endless arguments about this, and in my view it comes down to 1 thing. Insecurity! That being said, if you hubby loves you, he should stop this! I got to the point that I just said that if we are going to fight about family (that I did not choose for myself) I will rather write them of and never go there, than loosing my woman who I love!! The only problam is, my folks have done sooooo much for me in the 20 odd years I was in their house, it is just mot the way I was bought up, to turn my back on them and make as if they are the scum here. Thus, we go there once a week... And we fight once a week... Ag, this is a long story, let me cut it short by saying, maybe he just wants to love his family back, the way they loved him...

Reply to JP
Posted by: Joy | 2007/05/16

I think that if your needs were fullfilled you wouldnt have such a problem with him fullfilling his family's. Speak to him calmly about the things you need from him and dont draw comparisons - he wont get it and will be resentful toward you for expecting him not to be there for his mom or brother. If you're going to try and compete with his family or always compare the way he reacts to their needs to the way he reacts to yours you'll always be unhappy. Tell him about your wants and needs and how you'd like them to be fullfilled. You'll gladly let him divide his attention with his family if you are happy and content. This is not about his family its about you! You're actually upset about how he hasnt been there for you.

Reply to Joy
Posted by: Nina | 2007/05/16

I had the same problem with my husband. We have been married now for 17 years, and things are still not quite the way it should be, but it is a whole lot better now than in the past. Tell him that you need to know that you are his first priotiry, and that he must act accordingly. Give him space to spend time with his family, but once a week for a few hours is enough. The rest of the time is your time. Don't set ultimatums - it will only make things worse. Good luck and I hope things get better.

Reply to Nina

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