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Question
Posted by: ABC | 2005/01/13

Why do women pretend... part 2

I wrote earlier about my lack of social skill... people at work and home all not noticing me... well my marriage isn't 100% either and there's been abuse and insults and cruelty and it does affect your personality.

Unfortunately, I have not pretended. It effects me so badly that I was crying all the time, I would not wear make-up always because more often than not, I'd cry it off again and the mascara streaks down your face and no amount of washing up wipes it away. The red eyes, the red nose, the ocassional bruises, maybe I haven't wanted people to notice me for long that now they don't - they all know.

I moved out over the weekend. Moved back again this week. He's so sorry for making other people more important than me and his son. And for turning our home into the local entertainment centre for the whole of the western cape. Where his friends come over and their main aim is to see who can hold their drink better and for longer - sometimes to the earkly hours of the morning and by that time both my son and I have already fallen asleep on the couch waiting for our 'guests' to eventually leave.

And he starts school next week Wednesday. How can I take pride in my home when it's only meant for other people to come along and get wasted in, where their own children and wives are bored to tears watching the men drink themselves to a standstill.

I could go and fo something else while they have these get-to-gethers, but then I'm basically being chased from my own home and when I return the place is an abortion of a mess. I must look after my house for this....?!?

He was so upset with me for
1) Embarrassing him by faling alseep while our guests are still around
2) Not allowing all and sundry to freely smoke in my house
3) Insisting on picking up the carpets off the floor before the guests get there so their kids didn't trample them full of grass and sand becuase they're in and out between the pool and my son's room.

I was upset at him for
1) not being able to spend some time with just his wife and child occassionally (because we can't drink and be as much as his friends)
2) not respecting that I had cleaned the carpets myself, hands and knees
3) Not understanding that a home is first and foremost a haven for the people who live in it, not a constant local entertainment centre for every drunk wannabe and their unbehaved children

So now I'm back, and we must both make sacrifices to be reasonable and consderate of the fact that
1) We do need Friends
2) but, we also need family time and to exercise some responsibilty

The question above should actually be, why do men get married in the first place?

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Our expert says:
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Maybe after the period when your misery at home spilled over, people felt embarrassed to see you in tears and so obviously sad, and felt inadeqate and unable to help, so they got used to ignoring you, to avoid becoming involved in your grief ?
From your summary, his concerns were unfair, and an over-reaction to his selfish thoughtfulness in expecting everything to be subordinated to the pleasure of him and his drinking buddies. He has an alcohol problem , though he would probably strongly deny it. Man often get maried for exactly the same sort of reasons for which women get married. But why your husband got married, other than apparently expecting a subservient servant to run his drinking club, who knows ? Your concerns sound reasonable --- his behaviour sounds very childish.
Call Powa and talk with them, and would he eer consider mariage counselling ? It could make the probation sucessful.

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Our users say:
Posted by: ABC | 2005/01/13

Um, what actually happened was that he asked me to move back and I told him that I am doing so... but with OPEN eyes.

G, he was always social, and so was I. Having a child about to start school requires an adjustment. Also, what comes into play is BEING SOCIAL AND SINGLE and BEING SOCIAL AND MARRIED - WITH A CHILD. I'm not stop the fun and socialising, but now there's three of us and BALANCE is required.

Let's make it only one day a weekend, and let's also make it sometimes at OTHER people's houses. We've got the biggest house among our friends, but that does not mean it's the ONLY party place each time. It's not made for entertainment, it's a home which includes occassional entertainment (by all means), but also a place to find peace at the end of a hard working day. Not pick up after everybody and have to clean consistently for other people's enjoyment.

And in terms of the abuse : he used to hit, he stopped after I started sitting back. I lost it, and now everytime he he even gets close to violent I go straight for anything I can find - even the TV. I once opicked it up and threatened to throw it through the sliding door and him after it if he did not calm down and instantaneously become a human. I have my phone 10111 speed dial, I have panic buttons in the house, and a cop lives across the road from us. I Am NOT shy and I have once before and will again call them in - I think he's beginning to realise that I can actually be a LITTLE more psycho than him when it comes to 'losing it'. I'm just a little more reluctant to resort to violence or embarrassment than he is, that's the only difference - I've discovered.

I would not recommend this as a remedy to all cases, however, it worked for me. I snapped one day and climbed into him like a raging bull, and he's only slightly bigger than me, and he does love me (maybe not always in love, but the love is fundamentally there), he's just confused about how to handle tense situations.

It helps to make the consequences of his actions clear. And the emotional abuse... that's why I walked out. I did walk back in, but it's on a probationary term. We're going to see if we can be ourselves with each other and that would be a quicker way for us to determine whether we stay together, or part and continue our lives seperately.

Testing the waters.
Wish me luck, and thanks for all the feedback.
Yiu guys really really help.

Reply to ABC
Posted by: L | 2005/01/13

How much are you going to take? Are you going to keep on being a physical & emotional punching bag???
Move out - for your sake and your son's. Please!

Reply to L
Posted by: Why | 2005/01/13

Is the reason men get married possuibly because they look for a mothr-figure.

I am also the one who spends her life cleaning and cooking but as far as entertaining is concerned, I am the one who invites people over but 9 times out of 10 there is some sort of unpleasantness because he cannot hold his drink.

ABC, do you really think your husband is going to change?

Reply to Why
Posted by: G | 2005/01/13

how much of this behaviour was apparent before your marriage ? why is it only an issue after women get married if you did not like things before the marriage did you try and change them for the better and who’s yours or his or together ? and if you where unsuccessful why did you get married because that is where you are now I cannot believe that a man changes so mush after he gets married if he had an active social life when single/engaged he would carry that over to the marriage I do not condone his actions at all but try looking in to your situation as an outsider, and then make a judgement when you are trapped in the circle it is hard to see the reality of things and the negatives are strong step out and look in thought I would put my 2 cents in

Reply to G

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