Our expert says:
Thanks for great detail in the question. I wondered whether your feelings of 'in love' and feeling sexually desirous (ie. hungry for sex) are the same or different. Many women are 'in love' with their partners but have no 'appetite'. Just like you, these women may be able to drive their response, in other words, 'it turns out to be well worth the effort' and desire frequently felt if/when arousal takes place. The 'no' then might be an element of self preservation. Many women resent feeling that there is an EXPECTATION to have sex, and do shut off, so search inwardly and try to identify what your feelings and thoughts (associations, images, etc) on the occasions when you say no.
I also wondered, given your experience of abuse and also your previous marriage, whether you learned to not notice sexual desire, and so you get your cues for sex from different things than 'appetite' or 'wish' to have sex...? Whilst you may well have resolved issues, sometimes a different experience in life triggers a new aspect you had not considered before. This does not mean you have to return to therapy necessarily, but don't exclude your insights from that work and that previous experiences COULD (and equally could NOT) play a part in your current 'no'...
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal
advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.