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Question
Posted by: niqui | 2003/12/14

Why do I find this so HARD to do?

I just recently got Divorced after 13 years of marriage , I still feel like a bomb hit me , my Ex says he wants to remain freinds but then treats me like a door mat and just to keep the peace I try to avoid conflict which he insits I start . Iam so confused and brokena dn hurt and uncertain, Icant afford Councelling for myself or for my children and this is the first time EVER tht they have been away from me like this .. they are to spend Christmas with him in Cape Town ... WHY am I battling to get over this .. WHY did this have to happen , our relationship was never that bad that it warranted a drastic step like this in my oppinion ..

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

niqui,
I suppose most of us feel puzzled when we find it so hard to cope with a situation so profoundly hurtful as this ; yet far from being any sign that we're inadequate or abnormal, it's plumb normal for us to feel deeply hurt, sad, angry, and powerless. Part of this may be that, even without realizing it, our experiences of relaive success in handling the usual problems of life, lead us to feel not only that we CAN, but that we OUGHT to be able to handle any events without being hurt, or feeling confused, and somehow magically knowing exactly what to do or say. It's wisest to face the fact that none of us are superhuman, and there is no obvious or easy way to handle such events --- yet we do manage to get through them, and can become stronger in the process.
Another part of the problem is demanding to know WHY and struggling to find a clear explanation for events that are either impossible to explain, or so complex and many-reasoned, that we won't find the clear explanations we sek --- and maybe even more important, not realising that even if we could discover EXACTLY how and why it happened, this wouldn't enable us to undo what has been done, or to prevent what has already happened.
And Vicky, who has been there, is giving excellent advice on how to practically handle it.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: HHH | 2003/12/29

As a woman and a single mother out of a broken engagament
I can say i can feel the depth of your pain, and that, that is not the end. There is another way to deal with the emotions you are going through. I honestly believe that talking is therapeutic, get someone who you trust, someone you can open up to completely, someone who will listen to you even if you say one thing over and over again. That will help ease the pain a lot. I understand what you have to deal with. Divorce is not an easy thing but at the same time you need to train your mind that things have changed and you must also believe in yourself. Know that you have potential, you can make it on your own and still be a good mother to your kids. It might take time to heal and get used to but eventually you will adjust and heal. I wish you all the best in life.
Good luck.

Reply to HHH
Posted by: Vicky | 2003/12/15

Hi Niqui,

I'm divorced now for 8 months. Stand up for what you feel is right. My husband and I are now the greatest of pals ever. We see each other literally on a daily basis. But I don't take any crap from him. No go.

Keep yourself busy. With anything. Just don't sit and feel sorry for yourself, please, it will just drag you down even more. Phone friends, organize to go out, don't sit there and tob about what was. It's over. You have to see the light and move on. It's not always easy, but by staying busy, especially in the first month of so, takes a hell of a lot of the "bad" and the sting out of it.

I'm wasn't in the same situation, I left my marriage years ago already, just stayed for my kids. But one can't help to think about what was. And how it could've turned out.

Just keep walking gal, you'll get to grips soon. I have empathy with you. If you want to talk to me, just as another woman who's been there, just ask, I will give you a contact number. It always helps if you know there's someone out there who know what it's all about.

Good luck.

Reply to Vicky

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