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Question
Posted by: Wanna be dead | 2004/12/10

Why do I feel this way?

I would've ended my life by now, I actually would not mind dying right now. Just not to be here anymore. Life is proving to be more torturous than anything else, and why do I need to be alive. Nobody actually notices me, and I have no friends. And for some reason, no matter how nice I am to other people they just do not like me - at all. It's extemely painful.
My husband used to hit me and hate me and I would show up at work and people would know... I'd be an emtional mess. Now, through luv, or whatever, I don't know, he's not hitting me anymore and we fight so much less. There's been amazing progress in our marriage. But life is nothing without friends, and the people at work do not want to be anywhere near me - they exclude me from everything from team projects to social get-to-gethers. I'm always the one left out. And I cannot handle this rejection anymore.
My husband has never had a problem at work, he never showed up with bruises and eyes puffed up from tears... so he's totally involved and everyone absolutely luvs him and wants to be with him.
even at home, with couples we made friends with, they only seem to like him, they only respond to him. I've turned into an unnoticeable ghost. it's not life, it's not living.
If it had not been for my precious beautiful baby boy I would;ve ended my life already.
It's too painful to be alive - I cannot deal everyday more and more with this rejection, and I don't want to live.
If I kill myself, I'll be devastating my precious son.
If I continue to be alive, what kind of an impact am I having on my child's upbringing with this type of negativity? - and to continue to be alive is killing me inside so painfully.
What on earth do I / can I do? Please please help somehow.

My husband doesn't seem to care, he just thinks I'm being painful - he doesn;'t know how serious I am about wanting to rather be dead - away. I get the impression he'd be rather relieved, in the back of my mind that's what I really think and feel.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

wbd,
I understand how gloomy and desperate you feel. And though it is hard for you to believe at this stage and in this state, everything you mention that is wrong and unappealing about life, CAN be changed for the better. IF you will work sincerely with a good shrink to better understand and work through the problems.
You were abused, and abuse teacher yopu to devalue and disrespect yourself. Call an agency like POWA ( check local phonebook ) and get specific advice about options, support groups, etc. Obviously, you have become seriously depressed and discouraged, and maybe, as you mention a baby, there could also be an element of postnatal Depression, as a result of the hormone shifts of pregnancy.
You know, and you're right about that, that harming yourself could be immensely damaging to your son.
You URGENTLY need to see a good local psychiatrist, either directly, or through your GP, or via the nearest casualty dept. Depression and the related problems you have experienced can be VERY successfully treated, and you deserve such treatment, to relieve this miserable state you've reached, and to enable you to enjoy the trest of your life, and continue to make an even greated contribution to your child's life. "Regret" is right.
But you CAN transform your life, with the right expert help --- get it, and report back to the forum to let us know of your progress,

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Regret | 2004/12/10

Thanks, i wish my parents were around...im sure many other people in the forum like you.
I wish you the best of luck also & have a lovely Christmas.

Regards
Regret (Brian)

Reply to Regret
Posted by: Wanna be dead | 2004/12/10

My son is 5.
You sound like an amazing person, and I really hope my son grows up with the same kind of attitude you have.
I really wish you the best. Really I do.

I will think very much about what you said here, regret, and thank you for taking the time to respond.

I suppose not everyone in this world really doesn't like me, huh?
Good luck precious, you are truly an amazingly strong person, and you're enough to make any mother's heart glad - I;m sure she would've been sooooo proud of your attitude too.
Bye.

Reply to Wanna be dead
Posted by: Regret | 2004/12/10

If you kill yourself, imagine the pain that your son will go through.Im trying to be as possitive as i can & pick up the pieces...it's not easy.So don't put your son through the pain that im going through.Your son is probably smaller that me???

I can go ahead & kill myself right now...but my parents would not be proud of that.My uncle tells me i should run my dads business...as young as i am i can't wait to take full control.I hope to make the business so successful that my dad & uncle will be proud of me.

Some people in my family also don't worry about me...Its just my uncle & i don't know what i'll do without him.Im grateful for having him.

Life has alot to offer thats why im going to make the most of what my father has left for me...Please don't kill yourself & put your son through the pain & grief that im going through.

Regards
Regret

Reply to Regret
Posted by: Wanna be dead | 2004/12/10

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. What a massive KICK in the guts, how do you survive the devastation?
You sound like you're ok - not great and feeling magnificant - but just ok. And that's a lot for someone in your circumstances.

The real problem is that I have never been able to make friends every easily and then someone loved me enough to marry me, so I felt a bit more accepted, a bit more like I belonged somewhere. But now I'm right back where I was - it's so lonely, and people around me just totally ignore me like I did not exist - so why then should I continue to exist and endure this? For my son, that's why.

But it still sucks not to belong in this world. My hubby's just getting tired of me being tiredall the time, he has no idea what it's like to live in a world where no-one actually likes you and woulnd't care less if you were there or not.

Does anybody understand this loneliness? This immense pain? People are all around me, I am very helpful to everyone around me, I don't backstab colleagues, I don't gossip and when someone on my level got promoted, I got her a card and was really happy because she did deserve the promotion above me - her performance was simply better through the year and she simply worked harder and smarter.

What on earth am I doing wrong to be so rejected? Please help. I could live if people could accept me, not for me to be the centre of attention, just to be normal and accepted - like any other normal person... I'm really really hurting.

Reply to Wanna be dead
Posted by: Regret | 2004/12/10

Hi,I think i should be the one feeling like i should die right now.Im only 18 years old & i have lost both my parents + im the only son.So hey, there are many people like me that are going through a difficult time so "get that thought" out of your head.

Everyday i feel like crying & now since Christmas is here i feel even worse.Imagine spending Christmas at my age without your parents.Im also waiting 4 my matric results + im taking over my dads business...luckily my uncles helping me & im going 2 spend Christmas with him.

But christmas will never be the same 4 me...I deeply regret the times i did not listen to my parents & my regretting will never bring my parents back

So don't go & kill yourself...look at my situationI.Im currently staying alone so....try & be like me; im trying to get back to my normal life because life is short so make the most of it.

Regards
Regret

Reply to Regret

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