Posted by: mommy to be | 2013/01/15

why cant i except it

i''m pregnant with my 3rd (unplanned) and to make things worst just found out that its another boy, i am so dissapointed i dont even have words, i cant stop crying.
and if i hear anyone saying that " just be happy, a baby is a gift or at least its healthy"  i''m going to scream.

i''m scared that i''m going to resent the baby because i dont want it and my hubby feels the same as me, we have thought of giving it for adobtion but i have mixed feelings about it.

so any help would be highly appreciated.

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Our expert says:
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I suspect many readers will feel shocked at a pregnant woman expressing such frank hostility towards an innocent foetus because its of the "wrong" sex. Of course it's not at all the child's fault that you have a possibly excessive desire to have a girl-child and not another boy. But of course I do understand your severe sense of disappointment.
Any pregnancy, of course, has a pretty even chance of producing boy or girl ; that goes with the territory. Its especially shocking that apparently BOTH you and your husband so adamantly don't want a boy that you both want to give it away. That might be better for the innocent child than to be resented by parents obsessed with wanting to have a girl.
Except in the rare instance of failure of properly used contraception, pregnancy ought to occur only when the parents want to have a child.
One cannot demand that the child be of one or other sex. I would worry that your resentment might spill over towards your other two boys.
I strongly suggest, for your own sake and that of your children, that you and your husband jointly and urgently see a psychologist for counselling, to come to terms with this event, to avoid making hasty and bad decisions, and to get your wishes and feelings back into more reasonable balance.
And another tip, avoid using even to yourself words that push you in an unhelpful direction. Don't keep telling yourself that "I can't accept it" as this will unnecessarily and unhelpfully make it far harder to reach any sort of solution. Rather say to yourself " I find it mighty hard to accept this, at this stage: or some similar wording that at least doesn't refuse to allow for the possibility of acceptance.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Leila | 2013/01/17

I''ve got six kids - give that baby to me, I will feel truly blessed and honoured to take care of this innocent, yet-to-be born baby. Your baby doesnt deserve this treatment.
What choice does this little innocent soul have?

Reply to Leila
Posted by: J. | 2013/01/17

Ander se boeke is duister, so I wont even start to imagine what you are going through.

I will tell you one thing. If you cannot love this baby with your whole heart, if you cannot get past the fact that he is not a girl, if you cant see yourself giving everything you have to him, you dont have the baby. PERIOD.

Discard what other might think, choose for you. But you know the baby deserve better dont you? Give it up for adoption or if it is early enough, abort it. Love it enough now to do that for him.

I dont personally believe in either, BUT there are too many babies out there being mistreated because their parents mistreats them and/or they were not wanted.

Commit 150% or get out. Your choice.

Reply to J.
Posted by: Latoya | 2013/01/17

Mommy to be, just like other readers have already mentioned that this child might be the one who will look after you better than the 2 you have.
my uncle had a child with some woman somewhere, he ran away from her, this woman had 2 children already, she couldnt take care of this one, she brought the baby to my granny who took her and raised her as she was my uncle''s child,then the 2 children she had and kept, the boy child became a drug addict, the girl was diagonised HIV, the child she gave up is now a successful manager at some big well known company, she''s doing very well, she now wish she didnt give the child up.
My advice is, our plan is not God''s plan, his plans are alway good, having a 3rd boy child is not something you should worry about, just tell yourself God wanted things that way, and keep going.

Reply to Latoya
Posted by: mommy to be | 2013/01/17

i really do appreciate your opinions but I wrote this post to ask for help and for people who have been in this situation to tell me how to cope with it.
i understand the pain of miscarying i had two and i have always struggled with becoming pregnant.
i really want to eccept and love this baby but i just cant, and i keep on hoping that all will change as soon as i see him, but what if i dont?
i really would appreciate help from someone who can give me contructive advice not someone who would judge me.

Reply to mommy to be
Posted by: Anon | 2013/01/16

Your boy that you carrying now. Might love you and stand by you forever. And turn out to be the best from the two you already have. But if I was this little twinkle. I would resent you too. Rather abort than adopt. Cause most kids whose parents put them up Gor adoption will always have that " what if"  for the rest of their lives" .

Reply to Anon
Posted by: i | 2013/01/16

like Ziyanda said you are truly blessed. i struggled to have kids my first my prevous boy passed on due to prematurity compications. then god blessed me with two daughters after that i find true happiness my partner even calls me Girls mom i love it to bits why cant you give that kid to someone who will love it if you cant life is full of wonders but you are entitled to your own opinion.

Reply to i
Posted by: Anon | 2013/01/16


You referred to you baby (which you already know is a boy) as IT?!?!

I would suggest you give your baby up for adoption rather!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Purple | 2013/01/16

Sometimes its really hard to come to terms with a pregnancy or that its the same sex as children you already have.

Most people who have a surprise pregnancy may start out feeling just like you feel, but with time they get over it and come to love and accept their baby for theunique individual they are. It sounds like you and your husband both feel very strongly though. Would it not be best to see a psychologist and make a decision from there. Going into a loving home is important for children. If you can''t provide that, perhaps adoption is the answer.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Phil | 2013/01/16

This ppor little person isn''t evne born yet. And the people that'' he " needs"  to survive doesn''t want him. Yet THEY made him. Hell, how corrupt is life and us as human beings....

Sorry  maybe i just don''t understand the way you feel. Because right now  I feal so sorry for this little human being that hasn''t even seen this world yet...

PS: Speak to a doctor  if you don''t want kids but want to enjoy the pleasures of making them. There are ways to prevent you know...

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Mel | 2013/01/16

I am not the one to judge but I find it hard to believe that a woman and a man who are already parents to two kids would feel this bad about an " unplanned"  pregnancy. So is it the baby''s fault that you " mysteriously"  got pregnant?Clearly not. What you and your husband need is serious counselling,you dont just want to give up your child for adoption only to regret it later in your life.

Reply to Mel
Posted by: Ziyanda | 2013/01/16

I do not have the words for you I miscarried at 16 weeks,1 year down the line it still hurts some how and THEN theres people like you!.Why can''t you see how abundantly blessed you are?

Reply to Ziyanda

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