Posted by: EX MANIA | 2007/12/03

Why can the ex not stay the ex

Got engaged in Feb this year. I love my fiancé and he loves me too. He expresses his love more than I do physically – he would kiss me “100 times” a day, tell me how lovely, sexy, pretty, etc, I am – touch me “100 times” a day, so on and so on. So do I but not 100 times ;o) Our sex life is the best, financially it is going well. We like doing things together, get to travel overseas – so all in all our relationship sounds “perfect”. In the first year that I moved in with him, he cheated on me and admitted to it when I found out. I also got to speak to this woman he cheated me with. She did not know that we had a relationship going. She got married in the meantime and has moved on. This was the foundation of our relationship – nothing solid. I had to forgive, forget and move on, which I have (I think). He has so many other girl friends & exes that he keeps in contact with, sees them during working hours (under the pretence of business), buys property in partnership with them without telling me, and also does our house/car insurance through an ex-girlfriend (does not get quotes from other insurance companies as “she is the best”). He has a child (out of wedlock) and treats the mother of his child as if he is still married to her. He sends over our gardener, fixes things in her house, says that he would have to look after her financially if she looses her job, they would buy a present (Xmas or Bday) together for their child (I give one separately from myself), gives her (ex) access to our house and does not mind if she walks around in our house if we are not there. He says his child (12yrs) has to have keys to his house. The child does not live with us and none of her clothes, etc is kept there. Why would he not want to set the boundaries to his ex and tell her that she can’t come and go as before plus explain to his child that it’s over between him and her mom? Why does he tell his child he still loves her mom? Why does he think it is still okay? Another thing is that he does not share any detail with me – e.g. he would phone a friend/girlfriend, have a chat and if I would ask him if he’d heard from so and so recently - he would say no. In the meantime he had spoken to that person earlier the day. If I happen to find out and ask him about it, he would either say that he’d forgotten or that it was not important. Why does he not want to share this with me? This all has left me with a very low self esteem, suspicion, anger, bitterness, depression, etc, etc. Now maybe I’m wrong but my brain tells me that a successful relationship/marriage should be:
- Communication – share the detail (why not?)
- make mutual friends and let bygones be bygones
- Let the girlfriends know that you are still the lekka pal but that it now includes your wife (and mean it – INCLUDE her)
- An ex is an ex for a good reason. The day she left him, she lost ALL privileges (financial, access to the house, assistance, etc.)
- Include your partner on the finance (especially when buying property)
- Do not be secretive – share and be transparent.
- Your partner should be your confidant, friend, pal……….
We’ve made an appointment with a marriage counselor for next week. I’m having the first session with him on my own and he the second one – after that together. Now I know that I would have to start with myself. Please help me to become a better person and understand him – I’m loosing it!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He seems to prefer this relationship to be borderline bigamy, maintaining a range of women in his life like a harem. You may be No. 1 fiancee, but seem required to share him.
I don't understand the rather bizarre level of acess he provides to his ex --- what is that FOR ? Why should she NEED any access to your home ? Its hard to see why it wouldn't be preferable to be his Ex rather than his fiancee.
The counsellor sounds like an excellent idea, and the pattern of sessions planned makes sense, too. I can't tell you how to understand him --- that'll be the purpose of the counselling, and might not be easy to discover. Good luck --- and do return and tell us how it goes

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: EX MANIA | 2007/12/04

Thanks for all of your input. My fiancé was not keen on seeing a therapist but I convinced him. He warned me though that should I bring up the past and exes that he would get up and walk out. This is the reason why I have a session with the therapist on my own, first. My appointment is on Saturday 8th. I’ll keep you posted.

Reply to EX MANIA
Posted by: sue | 2007/12/04

leave this guy before its tooo late there are many men out there

Reply to sue
Posted by: m | 2007/12/04

It seems that your guy does not know the basics of a relationship, like commitment and honesty. Be very sure that you want to stay in this relationship, it seems that he is so important to himself that only his longings, desires, wishes must be fulfilled. Relationships are hard work, it never stops but love and loyalty, caring that what you do, will do to your partner is for me a basis which must be firm and strong.

With him having a child with another woman will also bring it's problems for years to come if bounderies are not set.

Being open with one another, talking about what bothers you (I'm not talking about moaning, nagging), how you feel, how he feels, both trying to understand and compromise. If you always have to guess what's really happening you will get hurt terribly.

Reply to m
Posted by: May | 2007/12/04

Move on and commit to someone that can commit to you.

You will NOT change him or any other man and things WILL only get worse.

Reply to May
Posted by: Southernwrite | 2007/12/04

"he has so many ex's and gf. So you are part of the team that he needs to keep himself happy and you let him do it. You are happy with the finacial situation, the attention you are getting and so are they - two choices are - stay part of the team and play along or move on and start a new life -

Reply to Southernwrite
Posted by: angela | 2007/12/03

this guy's seriously having his cake and eating it. i wonder how u managed to get to the point of second-guessing yourself as to whether it's wrong, when this situation has red flags all over it.

Reply to angela
Posted by: Britty | 2007/12/03

Are you sure this man wants to get married to anyone? I don't get the feeling that he wants to settle down with anyone and I am wondering if you will be one of his many ex-girlfriends.Can you see yourself putting up with his nonsense for the next 20 or 30 years? Personally I would run very fast from this awful man. Surely you deserve better. Take care and hope it all works out for you.

Reply to Britty

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