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Question
Posted by: Jasmine | 2003/02/21

Why am I doing this?

If by some miracle I could find the answer to my problem, then this letter would have been worthwhile. Let me start from the top. I am 31yrs and had never been truly in love before.
Untill now. I had my heart broken 3 years ago with my fiance Albert who I had been with for 5 years. Since then, I had to repair all the damage and lies/betrayal he caused - and it took me a good year to do. But I can now with all honesty say that the hurt has healed. Since then I have met a wonderful yet temperamental man, Craig. Craig is a wonderfull, caring, loving and sensible guy who bases alot of his philosophies of LIFE on trust and honesty - and he is quite serious about that. And I love him. My problem is that I lie to him. Why? That is what I was hoping to find out tonight. I dont even know why. I always believed myself to be moral, honest and very sensitive to the needs of others and yet I am uttering untruths! I dont do it often but everytime I do, I get caught out! This is now becoming a big threat to my relationship with Craig. I dont like to do it, heck sometimes I think it will save others from being hurt - and it always backfires. The bottom line is : I dont like it and I dont want my lies to be a part of my life anymore.

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Our expert says:
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Dear Jasmine,
Well, congratulations on your determinaton to stop lying. The essence of the problem sounds like your frequent choice to utter a lie, for whatever motive, when you are actually free to choose not to do so. It's often merely an excuse to persuade yourself that lying is done to "save others from being hurt", because lies usually end, eventually, in one or more people being hurt. A consideration for other people's feelings is better seen as a basis for selecting how best to tell the truth, as there are many ways to be truthful, which don't need to include blurting out the most hurtful part of the truth without sensitivity or care.
Having been so painfuly deceived, do you feel in some way entitled to deceive others ? So, yo always get caught out, so you're a lousy liar --- excellent ! Being a skillful liar isn't a good thing. Quit while you're still clumsy at it !
It really sounds as if you have a host of important issues around truth and deception which you would best work through in counselling, with benefits to you and to those you care about.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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