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Question
Posted by: Pora | 2006/10/25

Why all the white lies?

Hi All (this is my first time posting, i love this site)

I have an problem with my girlfriend,we have been dating for 4 months now,she is not always telling me the truth.I know i over react and i have booked my first CBT session (tomorrow) to change my behavioural patterns, anxiouty and to be more understanding and more approachable. Does this still give her the right to carry on with her "White lies" to avoid a confrontation .From day one i have made a promise to myself and to her that i will always be honest to her no matter how big or small the lie is. She made the same promise to me but i have caught her lying to me on one or more occassion.(nothing to hectic, but my point is what will stop her from lying about bigger things) At the end of the day the truth always comes out. You get nothing out of telling a lie. I trust her but don't believe her. Does this make sense? I have pleaded with her to tell me the truth and everytime she promises me she will. She sms'd me yesterday from another guys phone (varsity friend) telling me it was one of her females friends phone because she ran out of airtime.I never asked who the phone belonged to because it doesn't bother me, so why lie to me about it? I called the number this morning to lay my suspicions to rest and it went to this guys voicemail. I asked her why she lied to me and she said she didn't want to argue about it and she knows how i would react and it was nothing. Wwhy tell me it is abc's phone when it actually was xyz's phone if it is nothing?. I have never and will never lay a hand to a woman so why is she scared of me. I respect, treasure and love her with all my heart. How do i handle this situation? I have spoken to her about it time and time again and when i tell her she is lying she gets very upset with me. She tell me she loves me and im everything she wants in her life so why all the lies????? Please advise? Your time and response will be greatly appreciated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, brilliant opening move to have arranged to start the CBT. Maybe if you modify your behaviour, so there are unlikely to BE further confrontations, she won't have to resort to white lies, or anything else, to avoid confrontations. Minf you, lying can become a habit, so she may take a little while to adjust to not needing them.
The phone thing, well, she may have felt it WAS nothing, but she expected You to see it as definitely Something ? if you're saying that she seems to expwect violent responses from you, when this has actually never happened, maybe there have been events in her past which have led her to make these assumptions and expect violence ? Maybe someone else taught her to feel the need to lie, not you ? Hope CBt helps you to break the broken record

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Pora | 2006/10/25

Yes you are right, i dont keep quiet about it and carry on like a broken record, even if she is telling me the truth i still think she is lying. I have the problem not her, that is why i hope CBT is the answer! (Holding thumbs)

Reply to Pora
Posted by: ... | 2006/10/25

But your reaction will be worse when you find out that she lied, right? Well, maybe people are different

Reply to ...
Posted by: Pora | 2006/10/25

Thank you all, you guys are the best, I WILL CHANGE AND I HOPE SHE WILL TO, THANK YOU ALL ONCE AGAIN

Reply to Pora
Posted by: Buzz | 2006/10/25

I won!

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Chelle | 2006/10/25

Buzz - SNAP :-)

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Chelle | 2006/10/25

The fact that you said you know that you over react to certain things, and the fact that you had to phone the number to "lay your suspicions at rest" could be the answer to your question.

Maybe the way you respond to certain things when she does tell you the truth has created a situation where she tells these lies so that she doesn't get a bad reaction from you.

I don't say it's right what she is doing, but it's a possible explanation.

Once, an ex asked who was at a work function with me. I just mentioned the females, because I knew for a fact that I'd be questionned to hell and back if I just mentioned a guy's name. I had absolutely nothing to hide - I just didn't want to put up with his usual response. It is a lie, yes, and a relationship can't function properly when there is that type of situation. That's why he is now an ex!

And I haven't done the same thing in any other relationship!

Perhaps, if your reactions change, her lies will stop.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Buzz | 2006/10/25

I'm convinced your girlfriend is lying because she knows what your reaction will be. In all honesty, if my partner kept "checking up" on me, I'd also start hiding things not because I'm being underhanded, but out of fear of his reaction.

Good luck with the counselling, you made a good decision. And I hope you and your girlfriend can sort things out.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Pora | 2006/10/25

Thanks for the reply, i don't think leaving is the right option for me because i am a bit guilty of the way i react. Lets be honest, everyone tells "white lies" and lies, we are human beings and no one is perfect, i think i just answered my own post

Reply to Pora
Posted by: .... | 2006/10/25

I had a boyfriend that was telling white lies all the time, it didn't bother me at the time, but it got worse and his reason for doing it was for me not to be angry! The truth hurts, but it's better than being lied to! In my experience it will never stop! Before we broke up it was lies lies lies! It was as if he was addicted to lies! I found out lots of things from the past (when we were together) that he lied about. If you don't find out about it, you will never know the truth! So I suggest that you leave now before the lies get worse! I hate it when people lie!

Reply to ....

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