Posted by: Lolo | 2008/01/22



i don't understand why men choose to abuse their woman and why woman choose to stay in an abuive relationship, is that love?

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Our expert says:
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Firstly, I doubt that its ever an entirely free choice on either side --- and I'm sure many readers with experiences in this field will have views here. And of course, women abuse men, far more than most people recognize, as well.
Abusers tend to both pay excessive attention to their own emotions and feelings, and little or none to the emotions and feelings of their target, and they are often people with a shaky sense of self-esteem who feel boosted by putting someone else down. Also, they can be inarticulate, especially emotionally, and to it out either physically or verbally when they can't cope with emotional challenges, either from their victim or from other aspects of their lives.
And we wish we knew why women, especially, stay with an abusive partner. Part of it seems to be that having been browbeaten into a low sense of self-worth they find it hard to be independent and asserttive enough to recognize really that they deserve to be treated properly, and partly they can harbour a delusion that "he will change". even that they will manage to change him.

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Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2008/01/22

I thought I should answer you as I have been in more than 1 abusive relationship. I managed with the first relationship to get out after 6 months, I was married to the guy, he still harassed me for 1 year after the divorce and approximately 8 years ago located me and tried to come back into my life, at least I kept my head here. The time with this guy felt like a lifetime and many things that happened have influenced my life since. I allowed him to destroy a part of me which I am still struggling to regain and I think in some way that is also why I end up in other abusive relationships. The second one, I got badly hurt and I really loved the guy but got out of it quicker, I wasn't prepared to be a punching bag for no-one. As for the latest relationship, it has taken me 4 years to get out of it and I don't think I am fully there yet. I feel a sense a guilt towards the man and like I owe him something, that it is all my fault, not his and perhaps I pushed him, that is why I stayed in the relationship, it was not his fault, but mine, but I am beginning to see that it is him and not me. I have had two months of relative peace and hopefully will not be stupid enough to fall into his trap again. Abuse becomes normal when you are in it.

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