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Question
Posted by: Why??? | 2007/04/03

WHY

Doc,
I have been married for almost 14 year, been with one another for 18 years, have two beautiful children.

We have had many problems in the past, sough help, advise was given but I feel a marriage must come for both ends so the advise given was meaningless. However as a last resort to save our marriage I invited a "god sent" messenger to give us Bible studies as a family in our home, once a week and by the Grace of God, we have come to savation and YES life did change dramatically, until a few months ago. My husband got a new job, way better salary with benefits, wow what a blessing. Bought himself a new car etc ~ we live a comfortable life ~ downfall is he works shifts, not so bad but atleast we can spend time together.

My husband is often irriatated with us (me and the kids). My husband has betrayed my trust, broken my heart on more than 10 occasions but the fool or dedicated wife I am I still remain at his side. He says hurtful things to me and the worst is he holds my "abbusive childhood" against me as he feels it holds him back on having a materialistic things "motor bike and a gun". As I explained I was the victim and situations were out of my control, I was a minor. I therefore feel haunted by having things like that in my life. He calls it selfishness?????

I am not a materialistic person, never been and never will be, I ask simple thinks, LOVE, TRUST, HONESTLY, KINDNESS and UNDERSTANDING. We have a choice in life to marry for money or for love, well I married for love.

My husband feels I am selfish, the car he bought was because he now says I liked it (i dont even drive it) I was anyways surprised he bought that car.

If something bugs me or does not make sense to me I tell him and as usual he gets peeeeeed off and turns the situation around that I appreciate nothing he does.... well last night I told he I feel taken for granted, my son wont even make me a cup of coffee, I reminded him of what I have done for him and still do and for the children. I asked him what he does for me.....after a long thinking session he said he sometimes make food and do dishes....dont misunderstand me I appreciate that (small things mean alot) what about the rest????? being a husband, a supportive, loving, caring, honest, trustworthy husband??? he could not comment.

My children LOVE their father alot, family means alot to them and to me, but the hurt I feel is simply, whats the point of living if I am always on the loosing end in all that I do.

Am I being selfish, unrealistic....I cannot carry on living an unhappy life.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I find i hard to understand what sort of Bible your husband was studying, if this is how he behaves. Why not see a properly trained counsellor for some sessions of family therapy ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Cheyenne | 2007/04/03

Well, I would say try going on strike! Let them be responsible for there own things. Dont pick up after them. Your not a maid or slave for them. Theres give and take and it sounds like your giving way too much of yourself and getting nothing in return. Its time for YOU to take care of yourself and worry about you and what makes you happy. Thats not being selfish! Find time for just you and what you want to do. If they cant understand that or if things dont change or get worse-maybe seek individual counseling, then family counseling (theres free and/or low cost out there). Try that before other drastic moves. BUT, nothing bad on yourself!! Dont let them even your children demean you or disrespect you. Dont be so hard on yourself. Tough love on them. Then decide on things from all of the above after a period of time, what will be best for YOU to LIVE a happier life. They need a good awakening. Dont give into the abusive, emotional, mind games. Be strong! Forget that Bible thing. What is it HIS bible! Thats BS!

Reply to Cheyenne
Posted by: Ness | 2007/04/03

Hmmm. I'm curious of why this is all bugging you now? You are clearly a very strong person and I'm not going to give you the advice of "hes a bastard leave him" I am however a strong believer in there is a place in the world for everyone. And although it would not be my choice in life to stay with such a man it has been yours.

It sounds to me like you are going through depression. Perhaps everything has piled up, your childhood, your life etc and now it all just wants out. Perhaps if you talk to the paster at your church about everything.

As for your son, its all down to lead by example. Your husband is the "take" in the family (being the male) so your son with do the same. He thinks thats how men act because his role model does it and you have always allowed it.

I want to just tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with your choices, I know the modern approach to life is that women are equal and I have to say that in many ways we are, but being that modern woman who has the career, child and live in lover I would also like to point out that I still make steve take out the trash, and he still loves it when I pack his lunch.... xxx

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/04/03

Give him the silent treatment

Reply to Echelle

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